David on the Lake

65 degrees

2012-02-01T18:41:00.001-05:00

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It's 65 degrees on February 1st
(the winter poems are rapidly melting)
....I think I'll take the dog out for a walk

Oh wait.....I don't have a dog..
....oh wait
It's 65 degrees on February 1st

.....maybe I have a dog after-all

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my beatdown in court

2012-01-25T13:37:00.003-05:00

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9:10
I arrive in court 10 minutes late with a pile of sheets in hand, out of breath.
Today was the day justice would be served.
I was confident and feeling assured when I strode into the hushed courtroom.
Two months earlier I was wrongfully pulled over by a state trooper on the Garden State Parkway and given a ticket for "use of handheld device". The thing is, I was holding it in my hand because my iphone is also the remote control for my music collection which gets piped through the bluetooth speakers in the car.
So I looked up the law and saw that it said "no phone or texting or use of communcations..", printed it out along with my phone and text records which show that no calls were made nor texts sent at the time I was pulled over and was ready to defend myself.
I walked in and looked around a about 400 occupied chairs and people standing along the side and back walls.
I shelved my apology for coming late and stood there a bit bewildered.
All eyes were on the man sitting high above all others in a long black robe. The name plate oh his desk identified him as Judge Thompson.
There was an intimidating looking sergeant standing in front of him in a smart looking uniform, bald head and a stern mouth stuck in the half-frown position.
The judge was conducting the room like an orchestra. A parade of defendants would take their place before him and he'd open up their files, quickly look over them and start talking in a monotonous voice.
"Sir, you're aware of the charges against you..?"
"You can either settle it in court today for $750, or you have the right to an attorney..blah blah blah"
He was clearly enjoying his job and power. He had this passive aggressive and very condescending demeanor.
I was getting angrier and angrier as he just strong armed hapless defendant after hapless defendant into filling the city coffers (the coffers that pay his salary!).
10:00
I finally found a seat.
As much as the room keeps emptying it still looks full.
10:30
Someone cellphone rings, half frowned Sergeant in the front scowls.
11:00
Starting to get really hungry.
11:30
All proceedings stopped as a screen with a live hookup to the county jail is revealed. One by one a line of black males stand before the unflattering camera with their cases. The judge is clearly enjoying this.
Apparently it's easier to be condescending when the victim is not in front of you.
The room breaks into laughter sporadically.
Abused becomes abuser.
12:00
I'm starting to get dizzy.
A smart dressed young man gets up, but something about him is different. He doesn't have that defeated, submissive look to him.
The judge is visibly agitated.
Bald headed, half frown, smart uniform clenches his jaw.
The judge dictates his terms to him.
"Pay $900 in fines today and avoid possible suspension of license..blah blah"
The smartly dressed guy opens his mouth to say something....
The judge cuts him off.
"Trust me, this is what you want!"
The lady next to me chuckles. She's not the only one.
I want to vomit.
1:00
There are about 100 of us left.
1:01
The judge addresses all of us. He's talking so rapidly I can barely make out a word.
I hear "work it out with the prosecuter.."
"$250 surcharge.."
"$35 court fees.."
"plea deals....guilty...trial..."
My hands are getting clammy, my mouth is dry. I'm starting to re-think my strategy.
1:03
The judge walks out.
My head is spinning.
We are warned not to leave.
The walls are caving in on me.
A 6'3" black guy with his pants magically floating 5 inches above his knees is walking/dancing slowly up the aisle burping and yelling out "I'm goin'na trial baby.."
A 50 something year old ex marine is jawing with the insolent black guy now..telling him to "shut up before he ****** his ****** up his *****"
I put in a silent prayer to God for an all out brawl to break out.
God doesn't listen to my prayer.
The walls are spinning. I need food.
1:10
The prosecutor starts calling out names...
1:30
He's up to my letter in the alphabet.
1:36
My name.
I stand up and walk toward the front under the watchful gaze of bald, half frowning Sergeant.
I sit in front of a hulking Police captain. He looks at my file, runs his hand through his hair and looks up at me.
My eyesight is going blurry.
I focus in on coal black eyes.
"There are no points for this ticket, why are you here?"
I answered weakly, "because I'm not guilty.."
gasp
He looked at me strangely, as if I had just told him "Because I'm a parsley".
I tell him that I wasn't using my phone it to communicate just as an mp3 player.
He turned to the prosecutor sitting beside him and inquired about that.
The prosecutor looked at me sternly and said "that's also illegal".
I started replying and opening my papers.
He looked at me again through his metal glasses that made his eyes look bigger than they actually were and said,"you're arguing with me?"
The Captain was staring at me.
The Sergeant came over to the table to see what was going on.
They all looked so healthy and well fed.
The prosecutor continued, "you could wait for the judge to come back, plead not guilty when your turn comes, then get a trial date, spend another day here, and if you lose you'll have to pay double the fine, plus $250 and court fees."
The eyes glaring at me, the hunger pangs and the bright white walls were all pleading for me to concede.
My heart was racing, I was just dealt an uppercut and could feel the energy draining out of me.
I felt a last reserve of strength come out of nowhere, I suddenly felt like the lead character in a film of one little man's stand against injustice and "the system".
I was about to say something...when the Captain looked at me and winked with half a smile and said "come on David, it's just $130 I'll walk you to the window.."

1:59
I was beaten.

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Predeterminism vs Free Will

2012-01-19T12:33:00.003-05:00

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I believe in Predeterminism and I also believe in Free Will.

How is that possible?

I believe the idea of absolute freedom of choice is so scary to people, that very few of us really exercise that freedom.

So the predetermined script remains largely untouched.

If you're holding a knife and talking to your friend, your script says..do not stab him. But the frightening reality is that you absolutely CAN stab him if you exercise your free will. So the script remains.....

It's quite simple..

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Yiddish iz nisht dead

2012-01-13T11:26:00.005-05:00

Once upon a time there was a very charming and expressive language, if not elegant, called Yiddish.
It was a very organic language that grew out of the reality of the Jewish experience in Eastern Europe. It went on to become the national language of our people both religious and otherwise.
When one hears an old man or women telling over stories "fin der heim" in Yiddish with all the inflections and subtleties that come along with it on can almost smell and taste the atmosphere being described.
These days, Yiddish feels very forced. Like it's a language we kind of need to speak if you're chassidish or really yeshivish. The flavor is gone though and slowly but surely the words are disappearing as well until what we're left with is English with Yiddish grammar rules.

Enter Exhibit A: The above advertisement appeared in a local rag a few weeks ago. For those that cannot read Hebrew lettering, it transliterates to REDY IN STOK TZI DELIVERIN. For those that don't know Yiddish that translates roughly into READY IN STOCK TO DELIVER.

Now the sidebar does have a Yiddish word "Etliche" which means Several but then is followed by SIZES and STYLES both of which have Yiddish translations.

Vut Kenn You Say?

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inside, outside

2012-01-08T21:08:00.004-05:00

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I splash water
on my face
....brown eyes
tiptoe past
peaceful rooms
with small beds
..and long lashes
to the kitchen
..to my morning coffee
across the table
from.....her place
and..I just want to write
a poem to that space
..and to the coffee
and the lashes

..that's usually
when I notice (him)
out the window
..in (his) car
just watching
always...watching
with the saddest
brown eyes
I have ever
......seen

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a meditation for trying times

2012-01-04T10:59:00.003-05:00

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If I didn't acknowledge peoples absolute autonomy and freedom to make their own choices, then my own choices would be meaningless.

-David On The Lake

When observing those strange creatures around you, otherwise known as Other People, there are a few important things to keep in mind.

If other peoples actions start to effect your core than it's time to pack up and leave, like a firefighter who when trying to save a trapped person realizes that he's walking into a death trap and certain death, turns around and concedes.
As difficult as it may be to watch "frum" people behave like bafoons I need to disengage from the reflex to want to somehow control.
My equilibrium remains blissfully intact.
I must become an island and lift the drawbridge and realize that the universe is really ME.
I am not bound to anyones beliefs nor am I bound to the very own beliefs that I held yesterday.
I am a bastion of freedom and every moment represents a new decision to live the life I choose.
What any one else does also ONLY exists because of and in the manner that I allow it into my universe.
The simple truth is that every single impression, idea, vision, piece of conciousness that I possess MUST come through me in order to exist for me.

I have absolutely no idea what anyone else's God looks like. Even if we share the basic building blocks of Gods form ie. father, merciful, loving, judging... I have no way of knowing that the building blocks themselves are the same in my mind as they are in the next persons. Say the word "father". To one person it might conjure up sweet loving images and to another, harsh, strict and intimidating.
So in essence every person has their own private religion. So why do we become so bogged down by what others do in the name of their religion?
That means that no one else's God or religion need effect me at all, no matter how eerilie similar it appears to my own.

So I watch people do the most absurd things and it just doesn't effect me at all. On the contrary it just bolsters this idea we are all individual bastions of freedoms making our own choices and living with the consequences.

So, all you bloggers, comment writers, slaves of news and others I ask that you stop pulling your hair out because of other peoples actions. Stop groveling and apologizing and being so dependent on other people for your inner peace. Lift up the drawbridge and become an island of faith.

Put yourself at the center of the universe because you're already there.

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shampoo review

2012-01-01T20:36:00.002-05:00

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I don't usually do product reviews but I need to tell you about this amazing new shampoo I've been using.
It's 2 in 1 Volumizing Shampoo by Pert.

As a matter of fact it's so potent...those 2 bottles in the picture were the SAME size when I bought them just a week ago!

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the miracle tonight

2011-12-28T18:25:00.001-05:00

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sure....miracle..and fire
...is sometimes required
to take us from 1 to eight
to show us the light
.......when we think it's too late

..but the goal
ultimately
is the realization
....that lights and miracles
can be released from our grasp (it's ok)
....for its really all here inside us
and these truly last

so raise your voice
.....and rejoice
at empty and darkened windows
...tonight
for the true miracle
needs to ignite
..deep inside
..its the miracle of night nine

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deep in the woods

2011-12-22T14:55:00.003-05:00

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Deep in the woods
cold and dazed
been walking for
days
..and weeks
perhaps years
oh there are people
here and there
..but they dont see me
and it's so dark
the moon has gone
I can no longer
.........move
I grab onto
..the tallest TrEE
in the woods
I become rooted
..this is what must've
happened to the trees
......I muse
confused
when suddenly
..........a light
verrry faint
but....a light!
my weakened legs
propel me
breathless
...running
barefoot
scraping my skin
against thorny
barbed wire
thru brushfire
..into brick
walls
..medieval
through roman
cobblestone
I can see it now
..its a temple
familiar
...........glory
I stop..to gasp
but i remember the story
...........so I hurry
to reach it
..before
tis extinguished
I tumble down
the dark hill
...into the valley
and then back
up the hill
I shield my eyes
from the light
panting in the
shadows of her
.....ramparts
drawn to the
healing warmth
...I find him
and warn him
of the imminent end
but he looks at me
quizzically
and says
...son this is it
the 3rd one
..no one is taking
this away
.
I step back out
and look out
..over the woods
below
low lying
flanked by 2
mirroring mountains
..and temples
the one across
distant....in flames
and there..in
....the valley
I can faintly make out
.......the tallest
TrEE in the woods
and a young man
...lighting
a menorah
at its base
.

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Chanukah Collection

2011-12-20T14:46:00.003-05:00

Here is a short anthology of David On The Lake - Chanukah Poems..

Chanukah for the Ages

Beauty in Contrast (Chanukah)

Illuminating Everywhere (Chanukah)

times 1 (Chanukah)

Chanukah 2am

Night 0 (Chanukah)

Happy Chanukah!

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gift of the rabbi

2011-12-18T13:16:00.002-05:00

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I'm sure you meant well
.....perhaps
he was a co-worker
....named Seth
or a cousin
..named Beth
you probably thought
hmm something Jewish
..for their kiddies
a little try at kiruv
...on your own
That's what I though
as..I waited in line
in a Manhattan lobby
near the tree
...all sparkly
near the drop box
....unopened gifts
unfortunate christian kids
...when something caught my eye
the double take confirmed what I spied
that indeed it was
..an unopened box

.......of the
Mitzvah Matching Game

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I see a jerk....

2011-12-12T15:09:00.002-05:00

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The piano was playing in the background, hitting just enough off notes to help form the overall impression of a swank trendy lounge. Shloimie, Isaac and Yanky were waiting for their meals of steak and lamb chops. The complimentary rolls were disappearing one by one as they talked in a tone just a tad too loud for the restaurant they were in. Yanky was just finishing a story about a steal of a deal he had pulled off at work the other day when Shloimie called out "listen to my steal of a deal."
"You know my property on East Birch St, it's a mess. It's full of leaves and tree limbs and all kinds of garbage. I called a guy up, some Mexican guy, and he wanted $200 for the job."
"That's a good price", said Yanky.
"I started bargaining, the guy didn't know what hit him..he ended up agreeing to do it for $75!", said Shloimie triumphantly.
"Wow, how did you do that..?"
"The guy saw I wouldn't budge....that's the key to bargaining.."
Just then their food showed up..

About 30 miles away Pedro was serving dinner in his small uptown apartment. He was tired. He held his face in his hands and looked at his young daughter with sadness in his eyes.
"I'm sorry Rosita but Papa couldn't get chicken today so we will have soup with the bread from yesterday.", he said in his heavy accented voice.
"Hopefully tomorrow God will send some more money our way...", he said as his eyes turned toward the window and the setting sun.

Some people look at this and see the free market at work. They see Capitalism in all it's glory.
I see evil.
I see evil hiding behind such lofty terms as "free market" and "economic freedom"

They see an aggressive entrepeneur...

I see a jerk...

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license to damage...

2011-12-02T10:52:00.002-05:00

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Personally I find it insane that you need a license to....

Counsel couples teenagers and children..
Babysit..(did you know that?)
Own a dog..
Breed a dog..
Do work on your house..
Be a plumber..
Go fishing...
Broker the sale of a house..

And yet..ANYONE can have children!
You read the news and hear stories from therapy and listen to messed up teens and you just shake your head.

Basically, You could raise children 24/7 for 18 years...but the person you go to for advice ..one hour a week..needs a license to show competency!
You could be in charge of your child's welfare for 24 hours a day 7 days a week..but if you leave for a wedding...the babysitter needs a license..for those 2 hours.

To argue that somehow because they're yours means you know what to do instinctively is simply not the case.
Is there some kind of biological freedom that comes before the limitations placed upon us by society?

I seriously believe that in order to have a child you should need to take courses..and receive some kind of license..to prove competency.

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thanks God..I'm good...

2011-11-28T10:23:00.003-05:00

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It's so easy to go through the motions of life without hearing the underlying language that is being communicated.

Every once in awhile I'll buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot gets big enough for my one dollar investment.
But suddenly I thought to myself while circling the numbers, what the heck am I doing?

Basically I'm telling God.
God..thanks for being there for me every day of my life and making sure I have what I need.
But..I'd rather just have the money in my account and not have to come on to you...don't take it personally..

Is there another way to play?

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Black Friday

2011-11-25T08:58:00.002-05:00

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That day that sees millions of Americans up all night, sometimes camping out in frigid conditions, to save a few bucks.

and you shall be a light unto the nations.....

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ThanksGiving

2011-11-24T11:05:00.000-05:00

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when you give thanks
...to people
you're acknowledging
...and appreciating their ability
to let go of self...so

in reality...
..you're thanking
God

always

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Where freedom resides...

2011-11-18T11:44:00.002-05:00

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freedom of choice..
....does not always reside
in the freedom to choose

but rather
...in the belief
that you have that

....freedom

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shabbos morning rendezvous

2011-11-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

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my entire week exists
..for this moment
it's a moment so blissful
and still
....its the spot
around which the water
ripples
...the wind..leaves
swirl outside its
windows
..trying to rattle it
but instead...just adds to
that tranquility
while the house is
so warm..and still
shabbos morning
.....waits for me
while everything slumbers
..silent rendezvous
like a warm glass of
...books and ideas and
nothing
...and no one
to upset
that perfectly
balanced
slightly
scented
serenity

I'd love to capture
that...
...but capture seems
too harsh a word
..for so gentle
a time

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R' Nosson Tzvi Finkel Zt'l

2011-11-10T10:41:00.005-05:00

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The Rosh Yeshiva Zt'l was a churning cauldron of love and joy.

Anyone who was ever in his presence can attest to feeling the love that emanated from his very essence toward others, especially his talmidim.
I remember Rosh Hashana after the first night of davening, the entire Yeshiva would line up to give and receive a Shana Tova bracha from the Rosh Yeshiva. He would stand on his feet for hours supporting his shaking hand with his other arm while his whole body was moving in all directions. Every single student got the same smile and the same drawn out L'shana Tova Tikoseiv V'sichoseim L'alter Chaim Tovim V'Shalom....every word loud and clear accompanied by a huge smile. And then he waited to answer Amen to the Bracha received. Thousands of boys...!

Watching his shiurim was breathtaking. He would stand there supported by 3 shtenders shaking like a tree in a hurricane, with this utter look of pure rapture on his face. He was the happiest man on earth when he was giving over his learning.

He took his Parkinsons Disease and turned it into a never ending dance... And I always got the feeling that those watching him struggle were more exhausted than he was..

I still cannot believe that he's not with us anymore.

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what they're trying to say....

2011-11-04T10:46:00.002-04:00

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fine...have it your way
...lock me out of the house
for my errant ways
am i a bad boy..
again..?
am i not who you want me to be?
...are you embarrassed of me?
not your nachas machine??
...lOOk into my eyes
doncha DARE look away
....are these not the eyes
on your living room walls?
not just on bathroom stalls
...so here I am daddy
like an ugly cancer..there
Ive said the....word
Cant you see....?
..every time..I say F__K You
I'm beggin..you...on my knees
..like I did when I was three
Every time..I puNch you in the face
...I'm hugging you
so tight
..Im j just so scared
that youll peel my fingers off
again..and throw me to the floor
...so this is my new lang-wedge
its my graffiti painted shell
...my own comfy hell
its the bed you made..for me
..but now its mine
I'll wet it as much as I want
..without your shame
but deep deeeeeeeeeeep
.....down
I'm waiting for you to say..it's ok
and dry my tears
..and keep your baby warm
but unlike baby jessica
no one is climbing
...THAT deep..
for crap like me

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100,000

2011-11-01T14:29:00.003-04:00

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Sometime today..this blog received its 100,000th visitor.

Ordinarily I wouldn't make a big deal...but the fact that it comes the same week that earth received its 7 billionth makes one wonder..hmmm coincidence?

definitely

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politics and I

2011-10-27T11:27:00.002-04:00

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people ask me why I stay away from politics

I think I'd like politics..
...I really do

...it's just that
my mind
..is simply not small enough

to grasp
...all of it

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Genesis

2011-10-25T12:00:00.004-04:00

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I envy him..
..him
the old man
with the beautiful
...white beard
and eyes
..as he hums
and intones...the
ageless words
Bereishis Bara...In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth...
and it was evening
...and it was morning
Day One
and on the second day
....and on the third
his mind awash
in imagery..and wonder
completely unburdened
....by science
and I looked down
and there...the words
danced before my eyes
Gods words
Gods world
completely unencumbered
by science..and speculation
where the absurd
....is not even a word
(how can it possibly be?)
for whatever actually
..did happen
is completely irrelevant
because...you see
this how God WANTS me
to see....creation
and that's all
..that's relevant
and I pick up his tune
...and let the words
take me there
..and on the fourth day
God created the heavenly...

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how's it possible..?

2011-10-23T17:04:00.001-04:00

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hows it possible?
to get so
attached..
..to a fruit
albeit
..a beautiful
perfect yellow
greenish..sculpted
with rounded
ridges..and
..possessing
the sweetest scent
..and smoothest skin
that even the
..tiniest blemishes
specs..known only
....to..me
just seem
..to belong right there
as I hold it
and feel it....alive
...beating..in my
hand

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There's someone missing

2011-10-16T13:09:00.003-04:00

I stood at the Bimah nerves and adrenaline vying for my attention. This was my ninth year as the Chazzan on Yom Kippur and I still never felt completely comfortable taking on this looming holy task.
But this year I felt especially alone and I wasn't sure why.
I turned around and glanced around the solemn faces trying to pinpoint what it was that was missing.
And then it struck me.
This was the first year that there were no Holocaust survivors in the congregation.
Mr. Gold passed away and Mr. Eisensteins father in law couldn't make it to Shul this year.
I felt a tinge of sadness at the thought of that prospect. Somehow their presence always made me feel like our community had a better shot of Divine grace when they were there.
Somehow when I said the words Avinu Malkeinu Asei L'maan Baei B'aish Uvamayim Al Kiddush Sh'mecha they made a greater impact in the heavens when there were survivors saying it behind me, even though I believe the holocaust has earned us the right to scream those words for another six million years.

I turned around and found the strength to intone the timeless words Hinini He'oni Mimaas. Here I am completely unworthy of representing your congregation before you..afraid and alone....

Like never before...

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What is life...?

2011-10-06T20:24:00.003-04:00

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Shomayim..the Heavens represents Life..
Aretz...The Earth represents death..

The Kli Yakar notes that in Bereishis the word Shomayim is always situated near Elokim..the name for G-d that denotes Din or Judgement.
And Aretz (earth) is always near the name of G-d for mercy or Rachamim.

So basically Life is Din (judgement) and Death is mercy... How do we understand this?

Life is completion. Death is fragmentation. Life is wholeness. Death is separation.

The world has a soul. When one is connected to that soul..he/she is alive.
That soul is Reality... It's the Present... G-d lurks in that elusive thing called the present. That which is completely G-ds realm.
After all..we take actions for the future by setting things into motion and we could relate to the past through reflection and repentence..but the present is G-ds alone.
Is it too tiny to control..or even see..yet everything happens in the present.

The more one is connected to reality, the more one is in lock step with the soul of the world the more one is complete.

Separation is when a gap starts to appear between your inner soul and the soul of the world. This is death..

This can happen a number of ways.

1. You do not accept yourself in your entirety.
This is basically when you hide certain parts of yourself from yourself.
For instance, if someone does something which is shameful, he might come to shul the next day and smother his guilt in a mountain of prayer and intense shuckeling etc... Or worse, he might be told by his Rebbe that the shameful thing that he did is not really him...but some evil force..
If one is not in complete contact with reality AS IT IS one can never be fully alive. Every thing a person does or thinks is HIM. It must be examined learned from..and ultimately forgiven.

2. You do not accept immediate responsibility for wrongful acts.
This creates what I call spiritual debt. When one wrongs someone or G-d and then doesn't address it immediately..debt starts to accumulate and the gap between reality and yourself starts to widen.

3. You do not express gratitude immediately.
Another way of accumulating spiritual debt is by taking what you do not truly deserve, just like when you borrow money from a bank.
The way through this is by being truly grateful for all that you have and enjoy.
Three times a day during the Modim of Shemonah Esrei..stop, reflect and bask in the gratefulness. Think of your family members one by one..bring up their faces..and meditate on how lucky you are. Think of all the meals you've had since your last prayer, the weather, the fact that you have bread on your table and FEEL the gratitude.

4. You leave gifts in the gaps..
We express gratitude for food, children and other gifts and we smother the unholy pleasures we take. Then there are these in between enjoyments, like watching a movie or reading a magazine. We're not sure what to do with those. So we pretend they never happened and once again you start accumulating debt.
The truth is that every single thing that we enjoy is from G-d. We should make it a habit to examine every single enjoyment and decide what you want to do with it. If you feel that it's important for you to read a book or watch a movie then during your next Shemonah Esrei thank G-d for the enjoyment of that movie..it'll feel weird at first but after a few times it'll feel right. And if you can't get yourself to do that, then you should re-examine the importance of it and perhaps include it in your Selach Lanu. Don't leave ANYTHING under the rug.
That's called living, attached to reality..

5. You're not authentic..
Being authentic is when you allow yourself to feel whatever it is your mind is telling you to feel. If you feel like crying...cry. If you're angry..then feel the anger, just don't let it overwhelm you. If you bury your emotions than you're running from reality and eventually the debt will catch up with you. For instance if something a family member does irks you and you just push it away..again and again then eventually it'll come out in a bad situation and cause tremendous damage.

These are just some of the ways one can choose between Life and Death...

Life means being attached to the soul of the world..reality. Walking and dancing with reality..step by step...
Death means separation and fragmentation..of yourself as a person as well as creating gaps between yourself and the present, thus accumulating spiritual debt.

In other words..Death is Rachamim (mercy). The whole concept of Rachamim is to allow people to catch up and repay their debt.
The more Din (Judgement) you allow into your life, the more connected you are to the source of Life.
And when you're connected to the source of life then you can hope that it trickles down to the form of life that we're used to thinking of, the breathing organism variety.

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sweet new year

2011-09-28T09:28:00.003-04:00

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I would never dare to say this on my own accord.

I'll just repeat what The Holy Shpole Zeide said to Hashem..one Rosh Hashana in the presence of The Holy Barditchever, R' Zishe of Anipoli and a few other Tzadikim. They were bemoaning the terrible fate of the poor and hounded Jews in Russia.
He raised his hand to heaven and said...

Holy father...I know that you love us and mean our good..but I promise you that bringing hardships and pain is not bring us any closer to Teshuvah.
So what's the point of all this suffering?

I'm begging you, treat your children with kindness....

This year was a rough year..and every time there was a tragedy, I read the comments on different websites, where readers write messages like "Oy wake up Yidden! We need to do Teshuvah!" and "Everyone go Daven..and stop Machlokes...!!".

And then..the next tragedy..and the same comments.

And I sigh and think of The Shpole Zeide....
And I'm afraid to write this but I have this image of a really strict father at a therapists office opposite his delinquent son.
The therapist turns to the father and says..."I know you mean well..by all your punishments..but we have to be honest....it's not helping.."

May we merit a year in which we feel and appreciate Hashems love for us......his children.

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slichos morning

2011-09-24T22:53:00.005-04:00

..I lay in bed
and wait
for the old shamas
with his hammer
in hand
scarf tied
around his neck
cap over his mel-
ancholy eyes
..to come knocking
on my....shudder
the breeze
through the window
blows a serious
wind...into my bones
...as I space out
I notice a faint glimmer
of light
and realize..
..he's probably not
coming anymore
..most likely
killed in Auschwitz
...so I wait for
the alarm on my
iphone to send
...me off
out of my imagination
..into the well lit
shul....for
selichos
...at least the crickets
are still there...
..and the crunching
of my footsteps
..in the near empty
streets
...if not
cobblestone

.

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Inner Amida

2011-09-23T12:52:00.000-04:00

The Shemoneh Esreh or Amida, the centerpiece of all 3 daily Tefillos (prayers) has changed a lot for me and become a more potent and exciting prayer.
Here's the way I see it.
It ties into my entire outlook on life and the world.
I believe that the greater world directly mirrors our inner world. Or more radically lately I've been wondering if the greater world (meaning the universe and what we call "reality") is a projection of our inner world (the world of our perception and inner struggles and choices).
Our soul is called Chelek Elokai MiMa'al, which means a piece of G-d himself.
Think of our inner world as a computer chip..and the outer world as the screen. We cannot function nor do anything inside the chip, so we need a screen. The screen is an arena in which to work in. So too the world is a projection of our inner world. It's an arena in which we can function in and work out our inner workings.
All the people we come across in the world represent issues that we need to tackle, especially the people that challenge us.
Every thing that happens to us happens for a reason. Our challenges and victories are all really happening inside of us while being projected onto the screen we call reality.
So while we pray for redemption and the like we're also really projecting a need for personal inner redemption.
The difference between the Inner and Outer Realm is that our inner world is in our control. So, while we can only pray and hope for the Universal Redemption, we can actually bring about the Inner Redemption single handedly.
While we can only hope, pray and take action for sustenance, we have the power in out inner world to be satisfied with what we have.

The Shemonah Esrei is written in plural language. It is a national prayer to a Universal God for all the things we need as a nation.
But for me it's also instructional.
It's a call to action for my inner world.

The G-d I cry out to in the outer world is also the Soul of my inner world.

Here are a few examples.

וְהָסֵר מִמֶּנּוּ יָגון וַאֲנָחָה. וּמְלךְ עָלֵינוּ מְהֵרָה אַתָּה ה' לְבַדְּךָ

and remove from us sorrow and sighing. Reign over us, you alone, O Lord,

While I ask the Hashem rule over us as a nation, it's also instructional for my inner world.

Remove from within me sorrow, sighing, distractions...all the man made complications that come from my lack of complete faith and then....the ultimate bliss..will naturally follow.
"reign over me...you alone..."

סְלַח לָנוּ אָבִינוּ כִּי חָטָאנוּ. מְחַל לָנוּ מַלְכֵּנוּ כִּי פָשָׁעְנוּ. כִּי אֵל טוב וְסַלָּח אָתָּה:

Forgive us, O our Father, for we have sinned; pardon us, O our King, for we have transgressed; for you pardon and forgive.

While on one level I am asking G-d to forgive our nation on another level it becomes instructional and practical.
After the previous Bracha of Repentance I now turn to my soul (which is my inner piece of G-d)....and ask him to forgive my errant ways. In other words..I need to forgive myself.

The same is true with most of the 19 Brachos.
Inner healing..Refuas HaNefesh..
Being happy with what I have. The ability for the soul to sustain the body through attitude change.
Shma Koleinu, being able to listen to yourself. Your soul should be able to listen to your complete self and attain acceptance and a sense of completion.
Which leads to the last of the Tefillos for peace.

So the Shemonah Esrei is not just a cry for help but a homework sheet....

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Sticky Gooey Fly Paper

2011-09-19T14:15:00.004-04:00

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In honor of the last day of summer...

They sat there all day, the six of them in their Adirondack chairs. It was a pleasant August day with a warm breeze. Somehow they gravitated to each other even though they were strangers for the most part just a few weeks earlier. Unlike gravity, which works even though we don't fully understand it, what drew these 6 women together was their love of talking, of the gossip variety. So there they were, drinks at their side, settling into easy conversation that slowly turned more and more exciting as the hours ticked by.
They sat there licking up every single word as if it were the sweetest stickiest honey.
Did you hear about this scandal?
I know..I couldnt believe when I heard..
I know her sister..
crazy
and what about so and so..I hear he lost 5 million dollars in the past few months..
I know..my husband told me...
They could barely afford a party planner for their Bar Mitzvah...
blah blah blah
On and on and on..until there was almost no one left to talk about.

The sun was starting to descend beneath the top of the trees and a cool breeze was beginning to envelope them.
Suddenly Leah, with great effort, pulled herself up out of her chair and started heading to her bungalow with a hurried "talk to you later".

One of the 5 remaining whispered, "my my what has she been eating?", as their eyes followed her back to the bungalow.
They all burst out laughing at the same time.
You heard her husband declared bankruptcy last week?...added another
Yea...their marriage was never very good.
I know..and you know..he's on meds.
I heard he suffers from severe depression.
Really? I didn't know that..

The words hung in the air like a drip of honey on a spider's web.

An eerie silence filled the void suddenly created by the silence.
They looked at one another nervously.
No one dared moved.
Terrified of the sticky gooey paper that they had spun around themselves.

And they sat there immobile for the rest of the day and night..and the next day.
Until someone finally found them 5 days later, barely alive.

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the gift of mortality

2011-09-16T10:00:00.005-04:00

so I was thinking the other day...
...in my wierd and quirky way
the wind is blowing the autumn in
vaguely, a peaceful celebration
...celebration of death and mortality
of ingathering and finality
be it the reading of Ecclesiastes
to the gentle falling of the lifeless leaves

ah..the gift of mortality

I look around at all that surrounds me..
...from cities to arts..medicine and technology
all of it - the doing of one species..
...out of millions of co-inhabitants of the land and seas
why don't animals ever write books..or write songs?
...why - just eat, sleep, procreate and ramble along?

ahhh the answer is so obviously simple..you see
animals are completely unaware of their mortality...

I have this sneaking suspicion
that if humans did not have the cognition
the awareness that one day we'll be on our way
then we too would spend our day
grazing in the meadows..with no driven anxiety...

and that...my friends is the gift
......of mortality

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perspective

2011-09-12T23:06:00.001-04:00

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life isn't short

.....it's history that's long

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9/11 what I saw

2011-09-09T10:59:00.008-04:00

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as summer gets blown away..
..gently by the cooler winds approach
it's time to climb up to the musty attic..
..with trunks and other summer gear

up there in the oppressive attic...
......a bag catches my eye
in it were the newspapers and magazines...
of that fateful month of...september 2001
I sat on the hard floor..holding
the crumbling papers...ITS WAR cried one
AMERICA AT WAR cried another...
...instinctive need for control
in an uncontrollably grievous reality

and then

I saw them again....
...those faces I knew by heart
the ones that haunted me
for...oh so long

...and I hear those voices again
those last desperate phone calls
....from those suddenly terrifying
traps of modernity

...the tears..the fluttering papers

oh the nightmare of it all
...the perfect storm of horrors
I cannot look at an image of the
....twin towers towers anymore
without seeing a hulking
...gRey nigHtmare
like a burning hindenburg

without seeing those poor souls
...hanging out of those oppressive
unending steel bars..
........that verticle nightmare

..the smoke...stills chokes me
the tears still sting
...10 years later

...this is what my lens recorded
on the new jersey turnpike
9/11

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The Power of Choice - Part 2

2011-09-07T10:55:00.004-04:00

וְהֻגַּד לְךָ וְשָׁמָעְתָּ וְדָרַשְׁתָּ הֵיטֵב וְהִנֵּה אֱמֶת נָכוֹן הַדָּבָר נֶעֶשְׂתָה הַתּוֹעֵבָה הַזֹּאת בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל:

"And it will be told to you, and you will hear it, and investigate thoroughly, and behold, the matter coincides; this abomination has been perpetrated in Israel."

In last weeks Parsha the Torah lays down the law of capitol punishment and all corporal punishments.
The transgression must be investigated thoroughly and vigorously before meting out punishment.
One of the most perplexing requirements of corporal punishment is the need for the guilty party to be aware of the possible punishment before committing the act. The two witnesses must inform the suspect that if he/she goes ahead with the act then he/she will be liable to get the death penalty, lashes or whatever the penalty might be.
Why is that?
Why should that be necessary?

We see from here this idea that true freedom of choice can only exist if we are fully aware and accepting of consequences and responsibilities before we make the choice.
The Torah wants to make sure that the suspect was fully FREE when he or she committed the act.

When we run from consequence and responsibility and don't own our actions, we start accumulating debt of reality, which only grows and grows with time until we look for ways to escape by acting in ways that just exasperate the debt until we've completely lost our freedom.
So only when someone decides to do something while being fully aware of the consequences, and does it anyhow fully accepting those consequences, can he/she be considered guilty of transgressing with their full free will.

Of all the millions of creatures on our planet only one species has freedom of choice. Animals rely on instinct.

I believe there are 2 types of choices people make.

1. Logical Choices.

2. Passionate (sometimes irrational) Choices. This is usually based on love or faith.

Here's an example.
Someone is confronted with the possibility of infidelity and doesn't act on it for one of 2 reasons.
1. He might get caught, or feel guilty and it's just not worth it. That's a logical choice.
2. He loves his wife. This is a passionate reason.

Or..
Someone has an opportunity to steal.
1. He might get caught, or he'll feel bad about it later. Logical.
2. He loves humanity too much to steal from another human being. Passionate and totally irrational.

If you think about it, logical choice is really just advanced instinct.
A squirrel sees a car coming and runs back toward the curb, while a human has intelligence, so he knows not to step off the curb when the light is red. That's an intelligence difference not a Choice difference. They're both making the same choices just with different intelligence of the situation.

When it comes to religion, there are 2 reasons why someone might choose.

One is Logical.
Like those neatly packaged videos that fit the Torah into nice little motivational sound bytes so that it'll look all nice on your moral mantle.

Or Passionate.
That is when you internalize the idea of the Divine deep inside of you so that even the most uncomfortable passages of Gods law awaken a fervent desire to fulfill the Divine will.

The more irrational the greater this power of choice.
This is what makes us human and sets us apart from all other species n earth.

The Power to Choose which is based on PASSION and not limited to logic or any constraints is what lifts us from an animal like existence.

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The Power of Choice - Part 1

2011-09-02T11:16:00.008-04:00

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Last weeks Parsha begins

רְאֵה, אָנֹכִי נֹתֵן לִפְנֵיכֶם--הַיּוֹם: בְּרָכָה, וּקְלָלָה

" Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse.."

The Hebrew words Re'eh does not translate to Behold, rather it means See or Look..in the singular form.
On the other hand "before you" is written in plural Hebrew form.
This discrepancy is noted by many Commentaries.

I think there's a very simple explanation and it touches upon a very simple existential idea.
While the Torah lays out the choice for all of us, it also recognizes the fact that Choice is ultimately a very very personal...well choice.

This power to choose, this complete autonomy is a power unrecognized and barely utilized. Its power is terrifying.

Do you realize that you have the power to make God himself disappear?
What that means is that God only exists through your choice to make him a reality, even though it rarely is a conscience choice.
That's power.
But it's unrealized power, because we're terrified of the fact of this pure and simple truth.

Every time you drive down the street, you have the absolute free will to take others lives.
You also have the free will to end your own life.

It's so terrifying, that we run as fast as we can from that reality.
We would rather live with the choices others make.
We would rather just react and be led by others choices.

That power puts you at the absolute center of the universe. The power to shape the entire universe according to your perceptions and ideas makes you the central being of all that exists.
If only people would live with that reality instead of making themselves extras on a film set whose equilibriums are constantly on other peoples coattails.
How can anyone hurt you when their entire existence is known to you only by what's being filtered through your mind and perception?

On the flip side another reason why people run from the power of choice is because the thought that other people have this power and autonomy is unnerving.
Because we are so dependent upon others for our choices and well being we take comfort in the fact that we could control others like some kind of "abused becomes abuser" arrangement.
So the thought that others have this power terrifies us as well. The thought that our children have the absolute power of choice to reject us and all we've taught them is unthinkable.
And so we trust fellow drivers on the road not to exercise their power of choice and kill us.

So we all live in this numb zone where choices are made for us and we don't have to make any ourselves. And anytime someone says something to upset our beliefs we get so unnerved and unsettled that we start to rethink everything we believe, because after all these aren't our beliefs by choice.

So the Torah looks every individual in the eye and says.
The power is all yours.
No one has any right or power to touch this free will of yours.

CHOOSE....life...(or death)

Because that's what YOU choose to do...for no other reason.

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my eternal alter-ego

2011-08-23T10:55:00.005-04:00

age is such a fleeting
..flowing concept...bleeding
from one year to the next
very few markers and frames of context
one day..the whole world is older
....and then, that's all over your shoulder
and before you..are doctors that are suddenly
younger..as well as athletes and senators..under me
..in age..and the hard part is that in terms of contrast
........all that's available are the years past
the youthful vibrant years in my memory
..while the ragged years ahead, await conceptually

so...I turn to the ever youthful world of sports
............to find my alter-ego of sorts
in that sweltering summer of 74
...while America was bumbling it's way to the end of war
and while Nixon was sweating his way from lie to lie
2 boys were born...right under the publics eye
one in Brooklyn..the other in Piscataway
and while one picked up his pen..and put his bat away
the other kept slugging and chugging his way up
..until lo and behold he was leader of his club
so here we are together..obscurity and celebrity
............yours truly living vicariously
I pray for hit 4,000, 5000 and 6000 too
..for as long as Derek Jeter is out there..turning two

....the boys of summer of 74
remain eternally young and strong
.......and summer days go on and on...and on

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sometimes life

2011-08-18T11:30:00.004-04:00

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sometimes...life
....approaches like
a beastlike dance
....................partner
demanding a waltz

one can either
.....embrace it

and learn to dance
...with the beast
(and wait until the last petal inevitably falls)

Or one can run
and run......
....and runnnn

the problem with running is..
.....once you start
you can never
.........stop

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To DO not to BE..The great misconception...

2011-08-12T11:55:00.002-04:00

God doesnt want us to BE..
He wants us to DO...

He doesnt want me to BE frum
He wants me to DO frum
He doesnt want me to BE righteous
he wants me to DO righteous

Such a freeing concept
People get stuck their states of being.
Instead of their state of doing..
BEING is very limiting. People get stuck in their self images.
I'm not even talking about the dangers of negative self image or the harmfulness of feeling like a BAD person.
Even when someone "becomes" a righteous person, they become stuck in their state of being. They lose their ability for total and rigorous honesty.
They start weaving a narrative about themselves and ignore the subtle things that don't fit with the story line.

The Gemara states in Brachos 33b Where the baal teshuvah (penitant) stands, even the perfectly righteous cannot stand in that place...
That's because the baal teshuvah is versatile. The baal teshuva denotes a sense of doing whereas the Tzadik is in a static sense of BEing.
One DOES while the other IS.
When one begins to think this way, it becomes difficult to get down on yourself for not being something you're not. That's not the goal.
The goal is to DO and that's something that's ALWAYS immediately at hand.

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It's not what you think....(tisha b'av)

2011-08-04T14:28:00.003-04:00

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He hated this little shack
...out in the cold wilderness
in isolated indignity

He wondered...all the time
...why couldn't they go back home
where they belong...?

and so one day he asked her
...and she said

You don't understand...
...all the damaged you've done to our house
has made it too toxic for me
......I need to wait until it's cleaned up

and then he dared ask..

...but why then can't I go back?
why must I live here as well
(and regretted it as soon as the words slipped out...)
...?

She looked at him and sighed...
...don't you see?

you're here..because I can't
...live without you

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The Last Taboo

2011-07-29T10:34:00.002-04:00

That's it?

Have we broken the last taboo?

Is murder now one of our modes of operation?

As shocking as the news as been over the past few weeks, those with some knowledge of history know that Jews aren't strangers to murder. After all, murder played a role in the destruction of both Batei Hamikdash and reading old newspapers will reveal some shocking news stories that shatter the idyllic painting that is often presented to us as fact about life in the old country.

Nevertheless after the trauma of The Holocaust we felt close, small and fragile. We felt like we were part of a delicate rebuilding process and a level of intimacy was achieved amidst the common sense of purpose that was our mission.
But that seems to be fading as the last of survivors pass on and The Holocaust becomes less reality and more history. That reality, I think is hitting us really hard with the passing of those leaders that gave us that common purpose and with this new frightening reality that is emerging.

The Ba'al Shem Tov once asked, the Mishne in Avos says that The wise one learns from every single person in the world.

What can one possible learn from despicable cold blooded murderers??

There are many forms of murder.
The Gemara says that he that embarrasses another person is as if he murdered him. Being insensitive to others, causing shame to others are all minor forms of murder.
So I look at these murderers and internalize that sense of revulsion. Then when I'm faced with a position where I can possibly be causing another shame or embarrassment I bring up that same sense of revulsion...

May God have mercy on us...

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lots to paint

2011-07-27T21:25:00.001-04:00

Michaelangelos Murals..

We specialize in Debt Ceilings and Heat Domes

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Lesson on Chillul Hashem from the Kletzky tragedy

2011-07-14T15:03:00.003-04:00

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Here's a little observation that I made in the shadow of one of the most traumatic events to hit our community in recent memory, the murder of Leiby Kletzky by an Orthodox Jew.

It's about our obsession with Chillul Hashem.
This is something I've written about many times before and over the past few days it's been shown that it's not the crime that causes the Chillul Hashem but the way we deal with it.
After looking around online forums, listening to news reports and talking to people I'm not getting any vibes which would indicate anyone outside of our community viewing us with disgust for producing such a monster.
The reason for this is because of our reaction. Our unequivocal revulsion and rejection as a community.

If only we could internalize this lesson and apply it to all other areas of possible embarrassment (without the moral equivalency).
If we could be more transparent and open with our issues. If we could reject wrongdoing off the bat, then even the most heinous crimes would not be a Chillul Hashem.
Everyone knows that people are humans and they have flaws. People can respect and understand that. On the contrary, I think if we just live normally without looking in the proverbial mirror every day to see how our image looks to the rest of the world, then people would see a community of humans with human challenges and divine responses . A community of people with struggles, flaws and profound faith.
It's only when there's denial and protecting the guilty that true Chillul Hashem occurs.
The irony is that when Chillul Hashem ITSELF becomes the obsession that we look pathetic and that's when the Chillul Hashem occurs.

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why..?

2011-07-13T11:04:00.004-04:00

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we have all been
dismembered
...this morning

we have all been
...bereft of our innocence

...taken off familiar streets
into dark and frightening places
...knowing that we would never go back

we have all been given
a glimpse...into the eyes
pure evil
...and we recoil in horror

what kind of god.....
..can allow free will...
that contains such evil...
...in its inventory
?

incomprehensible god
please take that little boy
into your arms
...and make him
forget the things
he's seen and felt
......over the past 48 hours

rip... leiby kletzky
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Playing to win...

2011-07-05T15:02:00.004-04:00

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One of the most useful things about sports is the rich variety of truisms it lends us.
One line you will hear every so often if you follow sports is "They're playing not to lose.."
I'll briefly try to describe a scenario.
You have 2 hockey teams playing a playoff series. The team that comes into the series heavily favored is suddenly down 2 games to none. During Game 3 you start discerning that instead of the favorite playing with a drive to win, the players are playing not to lose. You see fear as the driving motivating force. They're not as loose and confident. It's the job of the coach to change that mindset and get the players to play to win.

I think that when it comes to Chinuch these days our community is playing not to lose.
We're gripped with this fear of our children going off the derech or rebelling in some form or another that we're constantly on the defensive.
I see parents allowing their young teenaged sons to do as they please.
I see people afraid of adding "too many restrictions".
I see a generation that has given up on Idealism, on striving to push ourselves and our children to greatness.
I see parents afraid of meting out punishments to youngsters.

In other words we've ceased playing to win, and when that happens you usually lose.

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The last of the last...R' Chaim Stein Ztl

2011-06-30T23:10:00.005-04:00

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The art students were sitting on their little collapsable chairs with their easels before them. Their eyes intently studying the great masterpiece on the wall as their hands attempted to recreate it on the canvases before them.
Suddenly the great masterpiece was yanked off the wall before them leaving the students stunned and bewildered.
They had to finish their paintings but suddenly had nothing to copy. They struggled to remember details and turned to one another for guidance.

One cannot underestimate the enormous tragedy of the passing of my Rebbe and Rosh Yeshiva R' Chaim Stein Ztl.
He was a masterpiece from an earlier time.
He was witness to worlds that are quickly fading from our memory.

He was the last of the last..
It's as if someone from 1000 years ago just passed away for all practical purposes.

I close my eyes and see the twinkle in his eyes.
That big big heart that felt everyones pain and joy.
The fire that made his whole body flicker and simmer when he would daven.

He had an eternal quality..perpetual youth..and stamina.

But for all of Klal Yisrael he was a living window into our past. And now..all we have are words...

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Give and Take

2011-06-05T12:28:00.003-04:00

We have been conditioned to thinking that the act of giving is an act of love and taking is to be avoided.
To give is noble, to take is selfish.
I think this is overly simplistic to a dangerous degree.
When children are born they need to be takers in order to survive and live.
They are showered and swathed in love. This is the healthiest kind of taking that there is. Children have no ways nor expectations of returning or showing appreciation, so they can take with pure love and without baggage. In a healthy environment, where the parents love their children the children absorb and take in a healthy manner.

Taking needs to be in proportion to what's deserved for there to be a peaceful sense of equilibrium. If a child is raised and continues to be spoiled and given to unconditionally even at a later age then it starts bordering on unhealthy taking. Unhealthy taking leads to resentment and the feeling that there is an unhealthy ulterior motive involved in the giving.

I believe that only after someone is the recipient of healthy taking and being loved can they turn around and give to others.
A heart full of love can overflow and love others.

One has never received in a healthy manner would have a very hard time giving in a healthy manner.

This is true in relationships as well. Sexual relations are called "chessed" in the Torah. It can be a tremendous act of giving, but if the giver and taker are not completely connected, if they are not giving and taking in heart, mind and soul then it's molestation or worse.

The act of giving can be an incredibly selfish and even evil act.
People give for all kinds of selfish reasons. People give to control others,
they give because it makes them feel better, even when it's not in the best interest of the recipient.

The first act of human giving in the Torah almost destroyed the world.
When Chava gave Adam to eat from the Eitz Hadass it was the ultimate act of selfishness.
She had never been at the receiving end of an act of giving.
The Neshama of Adam is that of David and ultimately Moshiach.
The selfish act of Chavas giving and Adams taking was the polar opposite of Ruth's behavior. She learned to live off of others when she needed to. She was the recipient of her mother in law's grace and then caught the attention of Boaz with the way in which she went out to collect wheat from the field with utmost modesty. Her act of taking led to a sudden abundance in Boaz's crops wherever she went.
Only then was she able to give back and become the mother of redemption.

On a universal level this is also true.
The world is not yet ready to receive the bounty of redemption. When one receives what one is not ready to take, it is called the bread of shame. It's an uncomfortable taking which leads to resentment. This is precisely what happened after the giving of the Torah. The Jewish people were not ready for that kind of revelation as evidenced by the fact that they passed out after hearing one word from the mouth of Hashem. This eventually led to their rebelling against the one that gave them this sudden bounty while they were completely inadequate in their means of appreciating and taking.
Moshiach will come when there will be a perfect equilibrium. When the collective human experience will earn the ability to accept and receive Hashems reward and bounty in a healthy, deserving way.
On Shavuos we celebrate the revelation on Sinai as well as the life of King David.
The theme of these pivotal moments in the relationship between humankind and the divine is the same that drives interpersonal relationships successfully or otherwise.

I think that this could be one reason why we eat dairy products on Shavuos.
An animal has two ways of giving of its food. One way is through meat. The only way for this to work is if the animal dies. This represents the toxic way of giving, which results in the death of the giver, much like it did by Chava.

Then there's milk. The animal gives of itself and continues living. This represents a healthy giving, which doesn't result in ill effects to the giver.

May we all be worthy of taking graciously with eyes wide open.

.

Internal Bleeding

2011-05-30T10:29:00.008-04:00

.

This post is a spin off of sorts from the post a few posts back entitled I am the Messiah.

I've been wondering why I feel such a disconnect from Jewish music, literature and any other means of expression at our disposal. Why there's an edge missing from our ability to express and transcend.

It's because everything we talk about and sing about is external.
You'll never hear a singer sing about his OWN feelings and struggles.
How many times do you hear the word "I" in a Jewish song.
Singers are busy preaching to God and to others instead of to the ONE person that has any power effect change...
God didnt create me to preach to him, he created me to live my life to my potential. To struggle MY struggles.

Borrowing 2500 year old words in a language that's not your speaking language automatically means that there's a disconnect. Even the songs with English words are all about the external. Lyrics that deal with topics such as Moshiach, Kiruv, people going off the derech etc. I have yet to hear a songwriter just get up and sing about what's really going on in his heart.
Why are we so fixated on Kiruv?
Are we afraid to explore ourselves?
Are we so afraid of ourselves that we find it easier to deflect our struggles and emotions to things not entirely in our control?
Don't frum people also feel love, disappointment, passion, confusion, desire to grow, the pursuit of perfection and the beauty of honest failings?
Why can't we turn inward and change the world by changing ourselves?
Why aren't there more singers, artists and poets that can shove flowery language into the trash and stop worrying about how polished they look in their cufflink shirts on the cover of albums?
We're losing ourselves by our neurotic posturing.

There's an element of intellectual and emotional self honesty that's sorely lacking, and it's so much easier to turn around and look at the guy behind you and make dumb movies about saving him
I'd love for the pendulum to swing toward turning inward, shining a light into the vast world of introspection.
One can only live after he's learnt to let live and cease being fixated on fixing the world.
I imagine a new Mussar movement for the 21st century, where we'll be proud to show emotion and talk about what's really going on in our hearts with self exploration that can only begin with self honesty.

Who's with me?

.

clapper

2011-05-25T12:34:00.001-04:00

.

Do you know Mr Clapper?

..hmmm Clapper.......his name rings a bell

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role reversal

2011-05-20T11:48:00.002-04:00

When God becomes (subordinate and) humanlike
..and humans become gods (in our expectations of them)
roles are reversed
...dangerously
And we enjoy watching others (those we don't love) fall
.......off their pedestals
We become disappointed in those we love (those we do love)
.....when we discover they're human
and when God does things that our human mind can't understand
we become god....
.........only to fall off that pedestal
as others laugh
..and prepare to take our place...

.

driven

2011-05-10T11:47:00.002-04:00

.

most people hear "He's driven to succeed.."
........and think
wow..that's admirable

I find myself
......wondering

who's driving?

.

The Unending Trial

2011-05-04T11:46:00.002-04:00

.

The wooden chair seemed to be getting harder by the minute. Each passing hour testing his patience and wearing on his fragile mental state. He was in the middle of the 10,976th day of his unending trial.
He was Shabsie Stein, our defendant.
For as long as he can remember, he had been a defendant. His life, shaped by the memories, forever fearful of the impending verdict of peers and perpetually vilified and on the defensive.
His tired eyes scanned the room, as more and more witnesses piled in to testify on behalf of the indefatigable prosecution.
The judge banged his gavel indicating the next witness approach the stand.
His neighbor Mr Steinberg stepped up while nodding to the judge. He began to testify in angry scowls about his neighbors inability to keep his yard clean and his kids well behaved. It was a disgrace to the neighborhood, he declared silently. Shabsie started to protest, "MY kids not behaved...?!", but his lawyer placed his hand on his pulling his anger back into it's seat.
Next up was his daughters teacher, Mrs. Weinglass. Oh she made his skin crawl. She just stood there silently moving her head up and down as if to say, "Why don't you do your homework with Devorah Leah more diligently, do you think school is a joke??"
She reminded him of an earlier witness, some 20 years ago, who testified the same things about him, when he was the student, with the same head motion.
Then as now he had nothing to say in his defense.
Just thinking about the thousands of witnesses who have testified throughout was enough to exhaust the most virile of men. Some of the more painful ones were his parents, who would pop in every once in awhile with fresh evidence of his inability to make them proud.
Then there were the absurd witnesses, like his co-worker who testified to the court that Shabsie's lunch break monologues were boring and not funny at all.
Or the time his Rabbi and another guy in the shul testified back to back, one stating that his smart phone was too modern and the other, that it was hopelessly not cool.

The sharp rap of the gavel brought him back to the present as the Gabbai of the shul in which he davens shuffled up to the front just as if he were shuffling to the Bimah for an Aliyah. He smiled at Shabsie but behind the smile there was a subdued list of complaints. It started with the fact that he shlepped a little when davening for the amud and continued with the fact that he was a bit of loser for sitting on the table with the old men and ended with the fact that he doesn't donate enough to the shul coffers.
The jury all seemed to shake their head in unison. He was doomed.
Shabsie turned to his lawyer who looked at him with pitiful eyes.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Don't you have anything to say in my defense?"
"Oh, I get it, you think I'm just as guilty.."
His lawyer leaned over to him and motioned for him to do the same.
"There is only one motion that I can file to save you from this hell."
"So, what are you waiting for?", Shabsie demanded.
His lawyer continued, "the thing is, you have to really want it."
"I want you to think about this overnight and come to the conclusion on your own that you want me to go ahead with it".
With that he slipped a manila envelope over the shiny table to Shabsie and bid him good night.

The next morning Shabsie met his lawyer outside the courthouse. His hands were shaking as he asked, "are you sure about this?
I mean, is this really possible?"
"Absolutely, but it's all up to you, I'm just your voice in there", he said while pointing to the fast filling courtroom with his head.
They both walked in.
The room was packed with hundreds of witnesses and spectators and he could feel his nerves tighten up. He was suddenly unsure of himself and needed his lawyers hand for support. His lawyer squeezed firmly and they strode to their bench confidently.
The judge looked over the black glasses that were perched on the tip of his nose and with his irritating voice started the proceedings for day number 10,977.
"The court of the State of Perceived Public Opinion vs Shabsie Stein for the crime of general incompetence in life which carries with it the punishment of life in perceived purgatory with no parole..."
His lawyer stood up and declared, "your honor, I ask that this case be dismissed under rule 1907. Client is not under the courts jurisdiction. Client is not a citizen of your State and not subject to it's rules and judgement"
A hush fell over the courtroom.
The judge's face turned white. His glasses slipped off his nose and fell onto his desk as he took the motion into his hands and read it.
"Case dismissed!" He barked after 5 minutes of reading in shocked silence.

Shabsie turned around expecting an angry and frustrated mob, but his chair swiveled to an empty room. There was no one there.
He slowly got up and walked down the corridor, his shoes echoing in the marble chamber.
He stepped outside and inhaled the fresh spring air.
He was a free man.

.

I am the Messiah

2011-04-28T13:07:00.001-04:00

.

Redemption.

A word that has inspired, created strong feelings of longing, driven people to extreme action, caused frustration and hope and left people in disappointed despair.

I've got news for you. I'm tired of waiting for a Messiah to save the world.
Come to think of it, I'm tired of feeling that the world needs to be saved.
All I know is that there's a man here that is just as complex as the entire universe who is comprised of light and dark, body and soul. Who has a piece of God inside of him and all of humanity coursing through his veins.
I have no control over the world but I have control over this man/universe and I have every intention of being his Messiah.
I will engage demons, conquer forbidding lands and free suffering children.
I will also fall, but I will always get right back up stronger than before.
I will love and accept myself and my newfound freedom and in turn love the world around me.
I will conquer death by conquering her terror.
I am no longer awaiting a superman like figure to come flying on a donkey to save my sorry soul.

Redemption.

A word that inspires hope and courage.
But most of all. A call to action.

Perhaps this is what the Talmud means by "Ein Ben David Ba'ah Elah B'hesech Hadaas"
Moshiach will only come when everyone forgets about him.
Yes...forget about externals.
There's a Messiah inside everyone of us.
There is a world that awaits redemption.
Inside every one of us.

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Shir Hashirim

2011-04-15T12:24:00.001-04:00

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Through passages back into time
I row back to the spring of our love
for the elixir has lost it's shine
I am still the one
.....that caught your eye

I am female vessel...
(.....shatter prone)
to your strength to your desire
I am worthy...
by virtue
......of love alone

my heart and my soul..the closer I get
to the moonlit night..that you first...
quickens...as the oars gently
.....break the silence
with cool waters desire

fill me with love...steady..steady
love..so that I may overflow
so that I may be ready
....to fearlessly search
the labyrinth of my soul
..................for you
female vessel...waiting
for my...strength and desire

...and I am tied to
the abandoned pier
..steady......steady

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fall...get up..celebrate

2011-04-05T14:07:00.003-04:00

.

Rosh Chodesh Nisan was the day that the Mishkan (tabernacle) was erected in the dessert, and it was cause for great celebration at the time.
If one steps back and views the broader picture it would seem odd that this was be cause for joy.
Just weeks earlier the Jewish people accepted the Torah on Mt Sinai and reached a level of perfection that the world had not seen since before Adam sinned. The entire world was the Holy of Holies and death was conquered.
Then came the Golden Calf and the ensuing colossal spiritual collapse.
Suddenly all that was gone.
It would seem that the Mishkan should be a reason for sadness and regret. For reflecting on what was just lost.
What kind of consolation is that?

I think a beautiful idea lies here.

If someone suffers a spiritual fall, it's very easy for that person to get discouraged and to dwell on what was or what could have been. In reality this is self defeating behavior, because the ultimate goal is to find God and one can find Him no matter on what level he may find himself.
We understand that if someone thinks and schemes about committing a theft but never goes ahead with his plan then there are no consequences to contend with.
But if someone actually commits a theft, no matter how much true repentance and remorse is present, there will still be consequences because of his actions.
It is up to the person to embrace these consequences and gain a sense of freedom and redemption through them.
Accepting a new reality, instead of regretting the loss of what was.

When the Jews sinned with the Eigel they were suddenly faced with a new reality.
Instead of the Shechina filling the world, she was to be confined into a finite dwelling.
But ultimately Hashem showed us that even in this new reality I'm giving you opportunities for you to find me and cling to me. This was a cause of great celebration.
The message to us was and is...
Forget what was..dont miss a beat..the mission has not changed an iota.

.

old age

2011-03-31T16:44:00.003-04:00

.

old age

..it's when everything
in your body
...starts to

slowly
....shut down

heart
..muscles..brain..limbs
everything..slowing
...down

except

...ear hairs!

It's as if they're sitting there patiently for 60, 70, 80 years waiting for their chance to thrive.
Whats up with that?

.

spring frost

2011-03-24T23:34:00.002-04:00

spring is here...
the calendar declares
oh..how sweet...
i can already see
the lilacs and daffodils
breaking thru the chill..
through the cold
..tundra of the soul
I crave the warm promise
even the proverbial premise
perhaps of spring

because from now until all eternity
every chill...
in my bones
that I feel
will have it's roots in
the cold dark winter of 2011
so yes...the calendar
does indeed say
spring is here
but outside and in... it's still cold..
but spring cant lie
.........forever

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unmasked

2011-03-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

.

as I stumble into your party..
...and you take off my mask
and then another
...........and another
wondering who I am
..I beg of you..God
keep peeling away..
...until you find someone
that you could (under)stand

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The Immortal Henrietta Lacks

2011-03-08T11:48:00.004-05:00

.

I recently came across the incredible tale of Henrietta Lacks and her immortal HeLa cells and I've been thinking about it ever since.

In 1951 a 31 year old Baltimore housewife and mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Shortly before she died, her doctor obtained a biopsy sample of her cancer cells. The cells astounded researchers and scientists by doing something they'd never seen before. Not only didn't they die but and they kept dividing and multiplying. Soon they took over all the tubes and dishes in the lab and they started contaminating other cell lines as well. While for me and you this might sound like a scifi nightmare, the scientific world was very excited about this immortal tumor. Soon enough requests started coming in from around the world for sample cells. These cells are now in thousands of labs around the world and they show no sign of slowing down. HeLa cells were used by Jonas Salk in his research that led up to the polio vaccine. They were used to help find cures to cancer and AIDS and more than 60,000 scientific papers have been published about research done on HeLa.

On some evolutionary level one can argue that Henrietta is the ultimate survivor and success story. After all, what is the human body if not for millions of cells? The survival and propagation of your cells is what it's all about. So what that her consciousness is not around to witness it? What difference does it make, that she has no clue of her immortality?
Then I thought about cancer in general. White blood cells start multiplying rapidly and killing off other cells. Basically you have a battle of cells inside your body. All the cells are YOU. Why are we taking sides?
The reason is quite simple, the "bad" cells while they might be all powerful are going to eventually kill the vital parts of your body and bring the whole game to end. So you side with the part of you that will prolong your life, even if it means killing other parts of you.
So too it is with spirituality and especially with addictive, compulsive behavior.
True, it might be just as part as ourself as our good self, but the fact is, that these behaviors are killing us spiritually. If we embrace bad behaviors, we slowly starve our souls while empowering our errant cells to run amok. So while on some level we might be viewed as a "success", on a much deeper level our consciousness and spiritual self awareness has been cut off and no longer functions.
We become the immortal Henrietta Lacks against our very deepest spiritual desires and wishes.

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emotional roller coasters

2011-03-01T22:09:00.003-05:00

.

emotional roller coasters
....should require safety restraints
not to mention the fact
.....that my inner fortitude
is nowhere near 54" high

or so I thought

.

no one can touch me

2011-02-27T00:21:00.002-05:00

Music to die to.....
.

No one can hurt me but me...
I'm free..from the bondage
of this deadly lie
the tyranny of deception
Im completely broken...
and perfectly complete...
I'm flying home
into the pain
no one can touch me
but me alone...

me, alone

can hurt me
so dont let me be
...alone

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the power of love

2011-02-20T17:38:00.004-05:00

If you have 15 minutes I would advise to pause your day and listen to this remarkable testament to the fragility and resilience of life and to the power of love to pull someone out of darkness.

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shattered

2011-01-13T14:56:00.004-05:00

.

All the Kings men
...and All the Kings horses
(not to mention..the specators)

couldn't put (him)(her) back together again

...only the

..........king himself
the ever loving

......merciful

king

.

The worst pain in the world...

2010-12-30T21:37:00.001-05:00

.

The worst pain...in the world..

...is the pain..you're going through
right now

.

System Bypass

2010-12-24T13:14:00.004-05:00

.

System Bypass:
1. The use of an alternate route to bypass an existing system.

We've all come across a scenario in popular culture or in real life where system bypass comes into play.

A safe holding a treasure has an alarm system that fails, the system needs to be bypassed for the safe to be opened.

A highly sensitive computer comes under attack and causes a system meltdown in a nuclear power plant and only the Director knows how to bypass the failing system and safeguard the nuclear centrifuges.
You get the picture....

Why am I wasting your precious time with this?

I think that it holds an important strategy in raising and educating children.
Let me explain.
There's "The System".
The System is Community, School and Family.
Then there's The Treasure and the Source of Power. That is Hashem.
When we are young, the system is synonymous with what it's protecting and representing.
The System is our way of approaching Hashem and thus, in a way, represents God in this world.
This is why when the system fails for many they go off the derech and lose interest in everything.
After all there was a system wide meltdown.

But this doesn't have to be the case.
Children need to be taught that Hashem exists and can be approached independent of The System.
There is a System Bypass.
We just have to hand them the codes and tools.
We need to give them an appreciation of Tefilla. We need to teach them that you can talk to Hashem and feel close to him.
They need to know that their relationship with Hashem is strong, unique and can withstand anything.
And most importantly that the relationship that we have with Hashem is completely independent of The System which by nature is human and capable of failing.
So even if there is a colossal system wide failure Hashem doesn't come crumbling down with it, rather He's the one you can go running to...

.

a conversation in music

2010-12-19T21:31:00.002-05:00

.

If music is the language of the soul and heart

.....then most modern music
is small talk.

I don't have much..
..........patience for
small talk

.

Chillul Hashem

2010-12-12T23:06:00.001-05:00

The proud father stood before his ten children looking into their eyes one by one. He gave them to understand in a low and serious voice the importance of preserving the honor of their family. He expected them to behave like model citizens and to make sure that the family name is not shamed.
The boys filed out of the room deeply impressed and determined to carry out their fathers wish.
However, their determination did not last very long. A few weeks later one of the boys was caught stealing and was arrested while the other brothers stood around wringing their hands and moaning, "oh what have you done to our father's honor? How could you shame us like this?"
A week after that saw one of the boys get drunk and beat a cop over the head with a baseball bat. Once again the other brothers, were hissing and murmuring, "oh no..what have you done to our fathers honor!"
Then, a month after that, one of the brothers decided to start wearing a clown costume, red nose curly hair and all, all over town. He wore it to work and out on the street. And the other brothers were overcome with shame, "Oh how could you walk around like that, you're shaming our fathers name??"
Some of the brothers even made websites and forums with much digital hand wringing, discussing whether or not this behavior is considered shaming their fathers name, and how it compares to the other preceding occurrences.

Then a month later the first brother was arrested again for stealing. This brought much consternation from the other brothers. They even organized a protest outside his home holding crudely drawn signs denouncing their wayward brother. This odd group of shouting signholders, clown and all were chanting in unison "Daddys Honor - Daddys Honor" and were drawing a crowd of curious onlookers.

In the meantime the father was somewhere looking down and shaking his head at his silly children, as if to say, "Do you think this is what I intended with my speech?"
"I never meant for you to be caught up in, and obsessed with not shaming my name day and night! You're all kind of missing the point. Just act normal and behave because that's how decent normal human beings ought to behave, then my name will automatically be honored. "

.

Miraculous Moments

2010-12-07T21:17:00.004-05:00

Here's a thought about Chanukah that I've had for awhile.
We're so used to reading and mentioning the Chanukah miracle in passing, a sort of G rated version of events. But if one studies the History of the Chashmonoim ..one finds a dramatically different picture.
The bloody battles of those times (elephants and all) left thousands of Jews dead in the most greusome fashion.

After the miracle..the Jews lived in peace for just a few years before a long succession of Hellenized and corrupt Chashmonai Kings ascended the throne. Many, like Antygonys, had tens of thousands of Chachomim killed in horrific bloodbaths.
Less than a hundred years after Chanukah the Chashmonai Kings invited the Romans to settle the Civil War, and that was the beginning of the end.
So not only didn't the idyllic times last long, they helped bring about the ultimate destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh that they had purified.

And yet we see the power of a miracle...a moment of time when some light shone through the darkness.

A moment of hope that lasts until today.

Life, after all, is comprised of moments. We all have our moments, and the good moments ought to be celebrated, even if they are followed by relapses to old habits. One must shake off the dust and strive for another moment...and another...

This is what the story of Chanukah teaches us.

It's a subdued Holiday..we sit and reflect at the flickering lights, even though we know they won't last long. Still, we bask in their beauty...and then come back the next night..and light them again...adding another light...then another..

.

Night 0

2010-12-02T10:02:00.009-05:00

those that love to..
drive around
cruise the town and...
...peek into windows
at twilight
...as others light..
sing, dance flow
windows aglow

I too like
....but
I prefer to go
on night 0

you see..
...there are those
that connect
....to the first night
genesis of light
..others prefer 8
symmetrical postcard
perfect....flames

but oh so many
...connect to night 0
the night..that the menorah
.....sits still
at the window sill....waiting
in the dark...
.....the twenty fourth

and I drive around town
..in the stillness of the night
..............slowly
and I see them
..sitting at their menorahs
in the dark...
...smoky breath
the silver reflecting
in their faces
...young..and old
a housewife on a rocking chair
...blue monochrome
man pouring oil
until it.....overflows
....all over the place
blank teenagers
.....transfixed stares
by the lights of night 0

I even saw one man...
...dancing with his children
who were trying desperately
..........to break free

truth be told
..the miracle
of 1 light lasting 8
..is nothing

It's getting from 0 to 1
...where the true miracle lies

Happy Chanukah

.

The Furry Wall of Silence

2010-11-26T11:03:00.005-05:00

.

Codes of silence are dead.

There used to be great tall walls of silence erected by communities and societies that had plenty to hide.
Words like the Blue Wall of Silence or Omerta would strike fear into anyone even thinking of breaching those walls.
But a younger generation of mobsters, internet sites like wikileaks and other factors have left these codes of silence in shambles.

Which makes the following code of silence even more remarkable.

The self imposed code of silence of the animal kingdom.

No, it wasn't always like this. Animals used to be very careless when in the presence of humans and would routinely snitch on one another and regale us with the gossip of the furry underworld.
But all that came to end with the publication of one book 2500 years ago.

The sensational best-selling expose by Aesop.

The sense of betrayal and outrage that that this lowbrow work inspired in all animals from amebas to blue whales, initiated a code of silence that has lasted over 2,500 years.

Oh there have been attempts to try to break the code, from the Grimm brothers all the way to Disney portrayals of animal life but nothing has worked. After every shocking portrayal, humans hold their breath, set up microphones at the entrances to jungles, savannas and forests for a possible press conference, but they never materialize.
You will never hear an owl slip up before a human nor will you ever see a blog written by a fox.

It's quite remarkable.

Thanks a lot Aesop...

.

The Gift

2010-11-22T14:40:00.006-05:00

Michael Berman hurried through the revolving door of his building as quick as the lady in the glass triangle in front of him would allow. The warmth of the lobby thawed his frozen fingers as he approached the elevator bank. He had a busy day ahead of him
Standing in the middle of 3 walls with 3 elevators in each side for a total of nine he pressed the up arrow and decided to play a little game. He took a random guess as to which elevator would come first and positioned himself before the gold double door. The wait was no longer than three seconds but seemed to take longer due to the artificially generated suspense of his little bet.
Sure enough the doors before him slowly opened spitting out it's human cargo of 2 chattering well dressed middle aged men and women. He smiled to himself and entered the empty elevator along with endlessly smiling clones reflected in the mirrored panels.
He caught his own impression and was satisfied with his smart good looks and smart threads.
"Good morning Mr. Berman", chirped Jennifer as he alighted on the 6th floor.
"Good morning Jennifer" he replied as he breezed by her to his office. After a busy morning in meetings his stomach was reminding him that he hadn't eaten a thing all day and so he found himself at the elevator bank once again.
He decided to play his little game again and settled before elevator number 1 and giddily waited. A strange thrill coursed through him as the doors opened before him once again.
After a quick sandwich he made his way back to the lobby, which was full of co-workers coming back from their breaks. He looked around and picked elevator 3 on the right and stood before it. Time seemed to stand still as he waited in silence. Suddenly a ding was heard behind him and he jerked his head around to see the arrow above elevator 9 light up and the 5-6 people in the room move toward the doors in anticipation. He felt a pang of disappointment for a moment wondering how this ridiculous notion even entered his head to begin with. He was about to turn to elevator 9 when he heard a groan coming from the assembled. The doors wouldn't open he turned his head back to see the golden doors of his elevator 3 opening slowly before him. His head spun for a moment as the crowd pushed past him.
"Are you all right"? Inquired Bill from accounting.
"Yes..I'm fine Thank you, just a little dizzy", he replied with a half smile.

He had a hard time concentrating the rest of the day. All he could think about was this strange elevator coincidence. He was tempted several times during the afternoon to try the elevator banks but decided that it would only work if he used them, as he would naturally. So he anxiously waited for 5:30 when he packed his bag and floated down the hall. This time he was feeling a sense of inevitability, so he turned to Sarah, one of the new interns, and matter of fact stated that elevator 8 was going to be the next one. She turned to him and said playfully, "oh yea? well I happen to think that elevator 7 will be coming next".
"Hmm and what do I get if I'm right?"
But before she could reply, it became plainly obvious that he was indeed right as elevator 8 opened up before him.
"How did you know that?", she asked, looking at him suspiciously.
He had 100 things to reply to her but found his mouth too dry to open.

The next day passed much like the day before and by the time the day was over everyone was talking about Mike's strange new talent.

He sat in traffic impatiently as he couldn't wait to tell his wife of his odd new talent. There were a million things going through his mind. On the one hand, he felt an all encompassing exhilaration unlike anything he'd ever felt, on the other hand he felt strangely removed from what was happening to him. It just didn't make sense.

His wife's reaction was not what he needed at that moment. She was somewhere between indifferent and skeptical, of the one eyebrow raised variety. A good night sleep was desperately needed.

He opened his eyes the next morning and stared out his window at the magnificent oak that was shedding it's brown leaves and sending them floating on small drifts of passing wind, wondering if the odd events of the day before were merely a figment of his over-stressed mind. His wife's grating morning voice took him out of his reverie "Hey elevator boy, aren't you late?", and he knew that it was all too real.
He hurriedly dressed and after an anxious ride found himself surrounded by the familiar golden elevator doors.
He was standing there debating with himself, whether or not to continue with his little game when suddenly Juan the doorman looked up from his post and said "so, what's it gonna be this time Mike?"
"Excuse me?"
"Which door is gonna open? Come on, half the building is talking about your psychic elevator powers"
"Oh I got no power I just got lucky.."
"Come come now indulge an old man"
"Fine, I think elevator 1 is the lucky elevator this morning", and with that he pressed the button with a flourish and they waited in silence.
Then the moment they both sensed was inevitable when door 1 opened.
"Jesus christ" muttered Juan and looked away.

Juan had the loudest mouth East of his mothers house and so by the time lunch break came around the whole building was waiting for Mike.
He felt a rush of excitement and a burst of self confidence as he made a show of walking around the lobby as everyone stared in a anticipation. He finally parked himself before door 7, a few people in the audience clapped. His shoes were especially shiny today.
Elevator door 7 opened, and the crowd burst into applause. He gave an exaggerated bow and went in. He stood by himself in the rising elevator not knowing what to make of this new found talent. Could it be that he was able to perceive the very slight imperceptible cues of vibration and wind rushing up the shaft that others couldn't? Or was there something supernatural going on?
In the office he was becoming a bit of a distraction as everyone seemed to want to know his secret, but he was as clueless as they were.
Once again when it was time to leave, a crowd was waiting for him at the elevator bank and once again he relished the attention. He looked around at the myriad of reflections of himself and felt good.

When he came home he didn't mention anything to his wife and she didn't inquire. It was as if a silent pact was sealed between them that this strange phenomena not enter their home.

After a sleepless night he stood before the mirror and made his tie slowly and carefully but under the surface he was shaking, he felt gifted in a strange way, but somehow it left him feeling hollow as well, after all, what was the point of this gift?

Nothing could have prepared him for what greeted him at work. There were TV reporters in the lobby waiting for him!
He walked in and lights shone on him as reporters voices drifted in and out of his conscientiousness "the elevator psychic Michael Berman.."
He was taken aback as a microphone was shoved in his face and a fresh faced reporter asked him "So Michael, how do you explain your powers?"
"Honestly I have no idea how to explain it.."
"Mr. Berman has this changed your life in any way?"
He started getting annoyed and made his way to the elevator bank and slowly pressed the button. All eyes turned toward him as he stood before door number 3. A audible gasp filled the room as the doors to elevator number 3 slowly opened.
He entered alone, turned and was blinded by flashbulbs before the doors mercifully closed and left him with his own reflections on the mirrored walls.
"My God", he exhaled and continued his ride up twitching his feet nervously. His heart was racing and his fists were clenched. He got to his office aware of eyes pasted to his back. There were blue ones and brown ones, ones with glasses and those with lenses, some were spooked out others more admiring, and then he closed the door and they slid off his jacket.
He sat down at his desk and would not get up until 7:30, except for 2 bathroom breaks.
He stayed as late as he can so that there would be no crowd when he left, but when he alighted the elevator in the lobby he found a throng of curious locals waiting for him. Apparently his "variety act" had made it to TV. He indulged the crowd a bit, especially the better looking ones amongst them and made his way home.
It was obvious from the look on his wife's face that she too had seen the news and wasn't thrilled. The silent wall went up between them comprised of a desire not speak the unspeakable nor comprehend the un-comprehensible.

The next morning, there was an even larger crowd of gawkers and he was in no mood of facing them so he snuck around to the freight elevator un-noticed and came into his office, only to see his boss waiting for him.
"Pack your bags and leave, you've become too much of a distraction to the company..", he heard through a fog of confusion and dizziness.

Mike Berman, too shocked to defend himself, packed his stuff and found himself before the 9 familiar elevators. He pressed the down arrow and waited. He felt a wave of nausea wave through his body as elevator number 2 opened before him. He walked in alone and let the doors close. As the dings announced each passing floor he felt an uncontrollable rage raise up through his body. He slammed the STOP button and the elevator lurched to a halt. He looked in the mirror and saw an angry pathetic face looking back, turned to the left and was trapped by the same man. He let out a loud primal scream and slammed his hand into the mirror shattering glass everywhere. He was sobbing and yelling to some unseen power "Why?? Why?? Why do this to me????"
"Take back this FREAKING gift..and give it to someone else!!!"
He collapsed in a heap, smeared with blood and tears.

In a darkened control room, some 20 feet away, an elevator operator, drank down his beer, peered into a little black and white screen and wondered if his little prank had gone too far.

.

You know you're in Lakewood too long when....

2010-11-16T13:54:00.002-05:00

.

You park your car at a service area and a silver Honda Odyssey parks next to you and a middle class black family comes out....and your 5 year old son tugs your sleeve and whispers.."Tatty..why are there goyim in a yiddishe car...?"

Can't make it up..
.

reaching for the clock

2010-11-06T23:11:00.005-04:00

reaching for the clock above the kitchen sink...

...straining my back
I noted with half a smile..

...been changing the clock for 35 years now..

and sloooowly........delllliberately..
......The clock..is finally starting

to change me

.

onward and awkward

2010-11-02T11:48:00.002-04:00

.

they waited..

fidgeting

as...the pregnant pause

.....gave birth

......to a stillborn moment

and the silence....went on and on and on......

.

yetzer hara misnomer

2010-10-27T12:33:00.005-04:00

Evil Inclination

Something sound off?
Am I the only one perplexed at this strange juxtaposition?

EVIL is such an absolute term. We think of the most vile people associated with the word evil.
And there's inclination...y'know kinda inclined this way..could go the other way...

Sounds like..
Hitler was really on the fence with what to do about the Jews, but at the end he was inclined to gas them.

I mean I would think reclined would make more sense than inclined.

So perhaps we should change it to "mischievous inclination"..or something like that.

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Teens and the elderly. Freedom and consequences.

2010-10-21T21:44:00.006-04:00

A person is a person because he has what no other creature on earth has, and that's freedom.
Freedom of choice.
It's what sets us apart from the millions of other organisms in the world.

But..there's a flip side to freedom.

Consequences.

It's what makes this freedom to choose fraught with anxiety. The idea of owning up to and being bound by our choices.

Mrs. O'Learys cow is on no ones list of evil figures for starting the Great Chicago Fire. But humans can make one bad choice and live with the consequences forever.
Much like Raskolnikov in Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment who is tortured by how to react and live with one fateful act that he committed.

I think what's needed is a perfect balance of freedom along with a healthy dose of awareness to responsibility of our actions. A comprehensive understanding of the choice, freedom and consequences before actually acting on the choice makes you "own" the choice.

The reason why Crime and Punishment ends so beautifully is because the young couple has something to look forward to after his 7 years of incarceration..freedom. Balance.

I find it very interesting that the 2 groups that we find having the hardest time adapting and being happy are teens and the elderly.

Interestingly enough, human beings are the only known animal to have this phenomena of adolescence to begin with. All other animals go straight from childhood to adulthood.

Teens and the elderly represent the 2 flip sides of the same coin.
Freedom and Consequences.

Teens are full of newly obtained freedom but haven't yet experienced enough life to internalize the concept of consequence which throws everything off balance. So they act and choose without truly "owning" their choices and actions.
While the elderly on the other hand are rapidly losing their freedoms while at the same time can just sit there and reflect on consequences born of a lifetime of choices and deeds.

And then there are addicts that lose their ability to choose altogether, thus their basic human trait.

Just a thought.

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a moment in time

2010-10-13T13:55:00.006-04:00

What is
...a moment in time?
does it move?
(toward us like a gentle breeze...and pass)

...or do we have to bring it in?
(like a gaze from someone we love)

does it even...exist?
..or does it
......just support
whatever happens
...to be happening
.........................then
(like hands holding a coffin aloft)

How many moments go
.....unfelt
unused
.......untouched
?

until..we're gasping
....grasping
at the final ones floating

........away

One thing is certain about these elusive things..
called moments
.....it is the only way to access
your soul...
....your life

As The Virgin Queen with her dying words did sayeth..

"All my possessions.....for a..
.....moment in time"

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Hallel

2010-10-08T16:21:00.001-04:00

Thank G-d for Rosh Chodesh, we get to say Hallel at least once a month to tide us over from Yom Tov to Yom Tov..

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crazy adult world

2010-10-06T13:10:00.003-04:00

With a little baby around the house I've had time to observe what the world must look like from a newborn's eyes and it's a really confusing place.

First of all a baby thinks that he's just as intelligent as an adult. They haven't yet grasped the concept of language and cannot discern the fact that the noises they're making is any less coherent than the voices adults are making.
So imagine, every time you have something important to say or have a complaint someone stuffs a rubber ball in your mouth!

And then when you cry they shrug and say "oh it must be gas.." until you're 7-8 months when they say "oh it must be teething.."

And speaking of gas..what kind of nonsense is this idea that early smiles are caused by gas? Imagine smiling, while everyone around you is shrugging..nah it's just gas!
I mean, when was the last time you saw an adult break out in a smile and say.."oh he must have bad heartburn"??

And another thing I noticed. They say that babies are supposed to be able to recognize familiar voices from the womb. But it's pretty obvious that they don't react much differently to strange voices as they do to their parents.
And I finally figured out why.
When we talk to babies, we don't use our regular voices. We use these weird high-pitched voices that sound nothing like our regular conversation tones.
So how are babies supposed to recognize our normal voices from the womb?

Please some common sense...when dealing with our little munchkins...
:-)

.

Distant outpost

2010-09-27T19:06:00.001-04:00

The King decided
one fine autumn day...
to tour his vast
vast empire
...from outpost
to outpost fort
to fort with his cohorts
With pomp and ceremony
...he was greeted
by governors manning
beautiful abodes
.....for the king
was pleased

Then he saddled up
...his swiftest horse
and went off riding
mile after mile
leaving pomp
...in the dust

He stopped on a hilltop
...and strained his eyes to see
The very most distant
outpost of his empire
....he slowly approached
the rickety hut
and was swiftly attacked
...by a haggard brute
who'd been handed this job
...generations ago
by those that remembered

And the King grabbed him
in a hug and overcome
....with emotion
whispered~ it's ok... It's me
your King....

and entered his meager hut...
...exclaiming "you are the true heroes of my kingdom

you, that haggard
generation that mans
...the very most
distant outposts
.......of my vast empire

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the wall

2010-09-21T12:23:00.007-04:00

sitting at the wall...
on the outside...
looking in
......not even)

the peep h0le
stuffed with
..scribbled needs

I knock..and BANG
....but
the stone only
hurts my knuckles

.
photo taken last week...

.

Hello

2010-09-19T10:46:00.001-04:00

Hello my name is David...

...I'm a sinaholic

and I've been sober for 2 days

.

he lay under the streetlamp

2010-09-06T10:50:00.004-04:00

he lay under the streetlamp
under blucrircles yellow
like some van gogh
staggering like a tramp
in a smartdisheveled suit
inebriated in the dark of night
running from his shadow..
.....then stopping to fight
until the sun slowly paints
away the shadow..and the dark
and more and more...
...... brightens and burns
his face in shame...
as the beadle passes by
.....hammer in hand
scarf around neck
..uncomfortably tight

He hadn't realized it was
already....time
for that matter...he hadnt
realized anything

He knew he had to
....get back
but where was he???

.

come dryve me unto shoppe will ye?

2010-08-30T14:22:00.002-04:00

Languages evolve. This is something that everyone can agree on, Creationists and Darwinists alike.
If you were to read The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer you would need a dictionary to understand one sentence.
Here's an example...
Freres and feendes been but lyte asonder.
For, pardee, ye han ofte tyme herd telle
How that a frere ravyshed was to helle
In spirit ones by a visioun;
And as an angel ladde hym up and doun,
To shewen hym the peynes that the were,

Even Shakespeare can be challenging to the modern English reader. Olde English has different words spelling and even letters.

It is therefore quite perplexing to me how one olde english word somehow managed to sneak back into the vernacular.
I'm suddenly seeing it all over the place and it makes no sense. The word is shoppe. (pronounced shop-pi-peh)
So English dropped many extra letters as well as the e that used to end many words, and shoppe became shop just as olde became old.
Until now.
The Suit Shoppe
The Shoppes at Old Bridge
The Vitamin Shoppe
and so on...
I really don't get it. Is it supposed to sound upper class?
Hath thou any idea of what shoppes wovld look lyke back in the daye when shops were shoppes?
They were dirty smelly holes in the walls.
What's upscale about that?

I just don't know.
I suppose I'll jvste heade on over unto thy suit shoppe and get fitted for a newe tunic for yom tov....

.

Hero..or..?

2010-08-25T21:11:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading about the memoirs of one Michael Keogh.

Michael was a British soldier during World War 1 who was captured by the Germans. He stayed after the war and joined some sort of police force.
One day in 1919 he happened upon a frightening scene. A young man who had been campaigning was laying on the floor surrounded by an angry mob. They were kicking and beating him and were flashing their bayonets. It was clear that this was going to end in death.
Michael saved the young mans life. He was in bad shape, cut and bleeding all over.

It would seem a heroic deed and perhaps indeed it was.

But the story isn't over..

He pulled the young man up and asked for his name...
"Lance Corporal Adolf Hitler"..came the weak reply

Was it still a heroic deed...?
Even though retrospectively he might have aided in the deaths of 50 million people?

.

The Mosque Controversy

2010-08-20T12:37:00.003-04:00

I've been holding myself back this past week from commenting on the ongoing "ground zero mosque" controversy because I don't really like getting too worked up about current events, but I can't hold back any longer in the face of such glaring ignorance, stupidity, bigotry and small mindedness.

As Jews we should be even more sensitive than others when it comes to the government or angry masses dictating to people where they can or cannot build a house of worship.
The fact that masses just swallow every stupid word they hear from right wing talk radio hosts hook line and sinker scares me.
The fact that it's even called the ground zero mosque doesn't make any sense.
It's in middle of a bustling downtown and is 2 blocks removed from ground zero. When was the last time you were at the Empire State Building? Did you notice what was going on on 32nd st? Exactly. And yet you hear all these people saying "I don't want to see a mosque when I come to this hallowed ground as if the crescent will be embedded on the needle on top of the freedom tower.

And to the comparison of building a German culture center in Aushwitz.
Here's how I see it.
Imagine it's 1934 and some brave German moderate anti Hitler group goes ahead an builds a center that promotes a more tolerant Germany on the doorstep of Dachau..oh I'd welcome that with open arms.

The utter ignorance of the complicated workings of the Islamic world and a the use of a broad black brushstroke to color all muslims as one and the same is stereotyping at it's worst.
If people would only learn history they'd know that there have been golden ages in our past where Jews and Muslims lived very well together and fed off one another intellectually.
How many people even heard of Sufism, (the type of Islam practiced by the head of this mosque)?
Did you know that The Chovos Halvovos and Rabbi Avraham Ben HaRambam were greatly influenced by it's teachings?

There are radical strains and more moderate strains in Islam and Al Quaida sees these moderate strains as much as an enemy as they do any other group. All you have to do is look at Iraq where radicals are blowing up anything that smacks of being moderate.
Why on earth would we be making enemies of a more moderate muslim group in a time like this is beyond me. We should be doing all we can to encourage more moderate forms of islam.

The attack of September 11th was an attack by a terrorist organization that has a radical interpretation of Islam on all people of the world that don't ascribe to their beliefs. If this cultural center were to have been destroyed by the 9/11 attacks they would have danced on the ruins with the same zeal that they danced on the ruins of the world trade center.
This makes them my brothers in this conflict that grips the world.

I know this is not going to be a popular post but I believe this very strongly and I hope that one day when the mobs come for the Jews someone, somewhere will stand up and say something on my behalf.

.

tragedy and response

2010-08-15T12:30:00.005-04:00

Summer seems to be this odd stretch of time where we utilize the little time between the 3 weeks and Ellul to let loose and enjoy ourselves all the while accepting the inescapable string of tragedies that inevitably accompany this rumpsringa of sorts.

There have been so many tragedies this summer but there was one in particular that really struck me raw.
The horrific van/train collision in Israel which left an entire family dead is just beyond comprehension.

Imagine for a moment all the time and effort that it takes to build a family. All the moments, the joys of childbirth, the trials and successes and the countless simchas. How it could all be eliminated in 1 second forces one to think. To think deep long and hard.
What does it all mean?

But even more disturbing is the typical frum response to stories like this.
Sites like vosizneias and others have given us the opportunity to glimpse inside the mind of the anonymous frum population and it aint' pretty.

Typical response number 1: Oy!

Typical response number 2: Oy we need Moshiach already.
As if Moshiach is some kind of Superman like hero that we need to rescue us when we're in trouble..(assuming they don't mean the tzaar hashechina).

Typical response number 3: Oy Hashem is sending us a message...Yidden..no more ____________ (insert pet peeve here...)..which typically elicits responses that belittle the original pet peeve.

The truth is...no one needs to be "sending us" any messages, and I would feel terribly guilty knowing that a family of 7 was wiped just to send me a message.

The message is in the occurrence itself. All one needs to do is sit and meditate for 10 minutes on the fragility of life and make personal adjustments accordingly.
Instead of turning outside ourselves for an action hero to come swoop us to eternal bliss, we should take control of what we do truly control, our minds and souls and find some measure of personal redemption.

.

I'm a great big boy..I'm 5!

2010-08-01T22:26:00.006-04:00

August 2005 I started blogging.

That makes David 5 years old.

It feels like yesterday that I posted my first silly post on my old blog and slowly found my voice and style of writing.
I feel G-dlike watching generations of commenters and bloggers come, leave their mark and disappear into the great unknown never to be heard from again.
While I'm fated to live to all eternity..
I look at a blogroll from 5 years ago, or the comments from back then and no one is around anymore.
So why do I still do this 550 posts later..?

Because I thoroughly enjoy writing and expressing myself.

Blogging is very different than writing for traditional media, in that you're not restricted by quotas nor are you required to fill pages with unnecessary words. I like that I can hone in on an thought, an emotion or an idea and let the bare minimum amount of words (and dots) create the greatest impact.
So even though 3-4 years ago I averaged 30-40 comments per post and now I get 3-4 I'll still write, because I feel the need to.

So I sit here and wonder, what ever happened to....nobody28...frumgirl.....
anonym00kie....limey...
lakewoodventer.....socialworker...
zenjew......genendy...TB.......
kasamba....towik.....matahari.....
openup......moiy....pragmatician....
shpitzle....chana....nemo...megapixel....
come running.....dreamer...chavera...sabra....sara sans h....
shopa and karl.......also a chussid......hbj...........
masmida..........yud#21.......talmid....
..fajita..frum idealism....eshet.....allie....
and so many others that have contributed to the liveliness of this blog of the years.
I hope you're looking down from a better place.

Finally I'd like to thank the good folks at the Make a Wish Foundation for making my wish a reality and finding people to comment and say such wonderful things. I feel real bad about lying about my illness though...

Well here's to another 5 years!

.

a glimpse into the future....

2010-07-28T13:20:00.002-04:00

.

July 28, 2030

Facebook registers 12 billionth user, surpasses earth in race for most members

.

message erased

2010-07-23T11:31:00.005-04:00

Every year when the waning days of Sefira and the 3 weeks come around and I'm around my friends and colleagues, I can feel this sense of unease grow ever so slowly like the stubble creeping down my neck.
The source of this tension is the usually hidden white hairs that suddenly make their bi-annual appearance when shaving is not allowed.
In contrast, the day after Tisha B'Av and Lag B'Omer one walks in to shul to a room full of baby faced men, relieved at being able to brutally eliminate these horrific reminders of their aging.

I think that Hashem sends us subtle reminders, to remind us that our years on this earth are limited.
He sends us white hairs and wrinkles amongst other not so subtle reminders.

Short messages on our answering machine.

"Hi..this is your father in heaven, just a little reminder that another year has gone..and you won't be here forever...can't wait to see you..."

These messages are duly erased as they come in, by use of shavers, dyes and botox.

I'm not saying that they shouldn't be erased, I'm just saying it might be worthwhile to listen to the message before the delete button is pressed, it just might be important.

.

ultimate sadness | ultimate joy

2010-07-19T11:44:00.002-04:00

There was once a boy and a girl.
They loved one another..very much

After a few years of being together
and wedded bliss..they..
...had a beautiful baby
that gave them such joy....

But the boy started hanging out
with the wrong crowd..which made the girl
....very sad

but she knew that he loved her..
.....and always
came home to her..

Then one day something terrible happened..
and the boy...dropped the baby..
and their sweet little child died.

The grief they felt was unbearable..
..and drove them slowly
....apart

He started spending less and less time at home..
and he started with terrible habits..
..which he picked up from his bad friends

She would sit at home and wait for him...
every night....faithfully
but not always would he come home...
...and when he was home, he seemed to not even notice her

But there was one day...that was different.
The day that their baby died.
He was serious and sober..on that day
They would make a small meal...a rememberance..
just the 2 of them...
And he'd look at her....and she at him..
with tears in their eyes
and so much love
and she knew
...she felt it in her heart...
that one day...
they'd have another child..
...and that filled her with joy.

May this be our last Tisha B'av

.

Barriers

2010-07-13T11:52:00.003-04:00

אֱלִי צִיּוֹן וְעָרֶיהָ כְּמוֹ אִשָּׁה בְּצִירֶיהָ

"Wail Tzion and her cities, like a woman in the pangs of childbirth"

The pangs of childbirth..
The unbearable pain that must accompany every new human on earth..

The anguish that separates the before and the after.

The world is comprised of myriads of barriers. Walls between people, between places and times.
Barriers that hinder connection.
I sit with my pregnant wife and marvel at this moving, living human being on her lap. So close, yet separated by this impenetrable barrier between unborn and born.
This is what makes the pain somewhat bearable.
The knowledge that, this anguish leads to a connection.
A bond between mother and daughter, father and son. A new life..

Cry..Yerushalayim...like a woman in childbirth. The anguish of separation made bearable by the hope of it's removal.

But not all barriers come with such visible outcomes and such knowledge.

There is the ultimate barrier. The mysterious separation that leaves us clueless as to the nature of the other side.
And that is death..
That crossing over..to another world that fills us with anguish bereft of consolation.

וְכִבְתוּלָה חֲגוּרַת שַׂק עַל בַּעַל נְעוּרֶיהָ

"..and like a young woman wearing sackcloth..mourning the man of her youth"

We say to Hashem..this is what it feels like to us.
True, we believe that these are birthpangs to our ultimate reunion.

But, I'm sorry, that's not what it feels like....

May our 2000 year labor finally open the barrier that will open all barriers...and may we see the innocent child that we know we can be....

.

an oscillating summer memory

2010-07-04T22:30:00.006-04:00

there was a time
....in my distant past
a time before every last
room was cooled artificially
before kids rooms had their own a/c..

I'd lay there in my bed...
old grey radio by my head..
trying desperately to place the staticy line..
on that half of millimeter on the AM dial
that would get me some kinda reception, no matter how pale
to the yankees game playing..
......to no avail

So I'd lay there in the summer evening heat..
twisting and turning between the sheets
it was then that I first came to know my strange friend
my four legged white buddy with his oscillating head

oh how he'd wash me with cool air for a precious few
before turning away, leaving me in a hot stew
as he rustles an unfastened paper in the far corner of the room
I patiently await his return.....not a moment too soon

.

The Long and Torturous Route...

2010-06-29T12:59:00.004-04:00

.

I've always been a bit puzzled and frightened by the narrative in Parshas Balak.
Bilaam is approached by messengers of the King of Moav who beseech him to come curse the Jews.
He obviously knows deep down that it's not a good thing to do and yet he really wants to go along with them, so he tells them to spend the night while he receives divine permission.
And amazingly enough Hashem tells him that he could follow them but only utter what he tells him to.
So off they go and although there are unmistakable hints along the way goading him to turn back, he ignores them and continues on with "G-ds blessing".
The story ends with him basically becoming a puppet of Hashem.

The lesson of this story is summed up by the words of Chazal "B'Derech SheOdom Rotze Leilech, Molichin Oso.."
Translated loosely means In the path that a person wants to go...he is led that way. This is true no matter which path you choose.
Basically, if you choose bad, Hashem will try sending you messages and hints to get you to turn around, but if you're stubborn enough to continue on, then Hashem will even help you in you errant way.

Why is that?
What is the logic behind this?
I could understand Hashem not stopping you and not getting in the way of your free will, but why would he help you?

I think sometimes we think we're running away from Hashem and it feels like it, but in reality we're running right into his arms.
I think of Yona who ran as far as he could only to find himself right back where he needed to be.
I think of the Yona from Noahs Teiva who flew away, only to find nowhere to land and end up right back at the ark.

I think of the spiritual world as a round globe. You can either go next door the straight and logical way or you could take the long and torturous route all the way around the world.

So when it says Hashem helps you go in the errant way that you insist on going, it's because he knows that this way also leads back to him. That eventually, by trial and error, by a process of spiritual maturing, the long and winding road will make it's way back, as long as a persons heart is open to it.

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Rubashkin and our co-dependency

2010-06-22T13:03:00.004-04:00

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In the treatment of addictions one must usually also deal with a by-product of the illness called "co-dependency".
What that means is, besides for the addict and his illness, those closest to addict start assuming roles over time that help them adapt to and often facilitate living with an addict.
So for instance the wife of an alcoholic will start adapting her whole psyche to her reality and will learn to accept the inevitable abuse until it reaches a point when she almost needs it. This is the purpose of al-anon support groups to help co-dependents regain normal behavior.

Sometimes when I observe our communities response to certain events I can't help and wonder if we're suffering from co-dependency.
For thousands of years we've been living with a sick partner. We've been hounded and abused by a gentile world that operated in a system un-civility and unfettered power and we were at their absolute mercy.
But I believe we've also, to some degree, become co-dependents. It's almost like we need the abuse. Like our eyes light up at the slightest signal of anti-semitism. It's our comfort zone.
We all know that it says Halacha Biyedua..Esav Sonei L'Yaakov. But what kind of Halacha is it? Is it in Shulchan Orech?
No..of course not. It's Agadda. It's the part of the Torah that does not mandate action.
If it says that before Moshiach comes Chutzpa will rule. Does that mandate us to act with impudence?
It also says that the Messianic era will usher in a universal era of peace among nations. Can't this Agadda trump the first one?

Yes, there is anti-semitism and always will be. True anti-semitism must be rooted out and dealt with.
But this knee jerk reaction and hand wringing leaves me with no other theory but the one I just expounded.

I wish our community would focus more on the personal side of our beautiful religion. The personal relationships with Hashem that every person can attain in any circumstance that they're in.
Leave the cosmic affairs to Hashem.
Focus on the Halachas of the Shulchan Orech instead of fretting over the Halacha B'yedua....

What prompted this is the sad affair of the Rubashkin case.
It's a Kafkaesque nightmare. Yes people are human and they transgress and do bad things, but to be caught in such an unforgiving system is horrible.

Having said that, I'm absolutely appalled by things that I'm hearing.
This judge is known for her strict robotic style and her unforgiving sentences and has left a trail of hurt victims in her wake.
No Rubashkin is not the first and most likely not the last. To hear the words Anti-Semitism leveled at her is another manifestation of this co-dependency I described above.

Let me copy and paste from a website where people post comments and reviews of judges.
Here are comments about Judge Reade before the Rubashkin case.

Dominated by her insecurities. Can be very rude and perfunctory. Seems to take pleasure in trying to embarrass criminal defense attorneys even in front of the jury. A judge to avoid if at all possible.

Proof that standards for the federal bench are pretty low. Reade acts like a secretary who's been asked to take over the boss' desk for the day -- and the status has gone to her head.

Insecurities rule. Invokes fear not respect.

Exceptional harsh sentencer - very pro goverment - they win everything

Between Linda Reade and the USPO, I feel like there are 3 prosecutors in the room. She clearly despises CJA lawyers and PDs - perhaps she thinks we're bottom feeders who can't get any other kinds of cases? And she makes no effort to hide it... It's very discouraging.

Reade manages by indimatation and fear. Acts like the whole courthouse and world revolves around her. Makes snaps judgments without getting the facts and then when the facts proove her wrong she ignores them and never admits she is wrong.

She is far and away the most unpleasant judge that I have practiced in front of. She does not appear to enjoy her position, and has no inclination to make tough decisions protecting the civil rights of clients.

Is a puppet for the Department of Injustice. Post Booker has never exercised her discretion to vary on behalf of a defendant- thus creating a defacto unconstitutional sentencing scheme. Does whatever a AUSA wants her to do - she isl ike a 2nd prosecutor in the courtroom...loves law enforcement- neither they not the US Attorneys can do any wrong - a total rubberstamp for the prosecutors.

Insecurties drive her rudeness and downright hostility towards lawyers. Totally inflexible and closed minded. Elevates form over substance. Not an once of energy directed to being fair. Imperial attutude, a poor excuse for a federal judge.

In sentencing ALWAYS does what the prosecution wants. Never varies and exercises independent judicial discretion or judgement. Ignores the command of Booker to actually apply the 3553(e) factors and reduce a sentence - not even once in a blue moon. I am sure Ashcroft and Gonzales text her what to do in sentencings. She is brutally mean and totally lacks compassion for any defendant. A judicial disgrace.

This judge takes the easy way out when sentencing for drug offenses; meaning, instead of considering cases on individual basis, she delivers the maximum punishment. She's putting the wrong people in prison because she's too lazy to really examine the evidence.

It appears this judge passes judgement literally before trials ever begin. From what I've read below, there is no justice with Judge Reade - only sentencing. Sad and disappointing. Perhaps she's forgotten the presumption of innocence until proven guilty and everyone deserves a fair trisl.

I am a retired trial lawyer. This judge is strongly biased in favor of the government. There is no way that she is acceptable in a criminal case. I witnessed her wrath on a young drug user and she gave him 35-plus years. This is outrageous and she should be impeached.

This really makes me worried. I have a case coming before this judge. The police have already lied about the facts - and now I find out that the judge is biased? What is a person to do? Does anyone know the feeling of having no hope or confidence in the legal system? It is a very bad feeling. I wonder if this is how monsters are made.

She is the worst judge and prides herself upon her ability to ruin families. She sentenced a first-time drug offender to 17-plus years. Letters of recommendations? What do those mean? They don't help. PSI? What is that? That doesn't help. She only focuses on the crime and not the person and the crime. She should not be a judge -- maybe a prison guard. She is hateful and needs to be removed from the bench.

One size fits all for Judge Reade and that's the maximum. She has no compassion for a family that is being ripped apart for years due to the illness of addiction. Someone with that kind of power, control, and pure hatred should not be a decision maker over people’s lives. I wish for 1 day she had to walk in prisoner’s shoes after she’s sentenced them

Then the Rubashkin trial started and all the comments deal with this case.

she is probably one of the worst judges in the world! SHE IS HORABLE AND SHOULD BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY!

I am shocked at her cruelty and lack of justice. An awful person who should be impeached as judge. Yimach Shima.

BITCH!!!!

She is a peice of dung!!

ANTI SEMITE

THEIR ARE BAD PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD AND SHE SURE SHOULD BE PUT ON THE LIST OF THE TOP 10 I BELIEVE THEIR IS A GOD ON THE WORLD AND HE WILL PAY HER OFF FOR ALL SHE DID FOR ALL THE PEOPLE SHE HARMED JUST TO FILL UP HERE EVIL BAD DESIRES IM SURE SHE IS HERSELF A BIG CRIMINAL AND WE ARE ALL WAITING FOR THE DAY SHE SHOULD ON THE OTHER SIDE WITH NO ON THE DEFENSE SIDE NOBODY ON THE WORLD LIKES YOU AND WILL BE HAPPY TO SEE THE DAY THE REAL JUSTICE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU

This anti-Semitic judge should be impeached.

Really disgusting biased judge!!! hopefully one day she will stand her day in court for not granting proper justice!!!

I hope you do not get the chance to read this letter as you should already be dead.You are the biggest criminal in the world. You judge an innocent man to a horrible sentenece, which is unfair, unjust, cruel, and disgusting. How in the world are you going to live with yourself!?!? There are no words to describe your despicable actions. Your family should definitely consider a mental home for you. I would request of you to rethink your judgement, however I don't know if I can make such a request of an animal.

Since she has no respect for human life and dignitu, may she be cursed to 27 years of pure hell starting today! Amen

THIS IS A JUDGE WHO IS BIASED AND ANTISEMITIC SHE IS UNCOMPROMISING AND SINGS TO HER OWN TUNE!!
NOT A VERY NICE ONE AND THATS MY JUDGEMENT!! HER JUDGEMENT IS YET TO COME

I rest my case.

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Crime and Punishment

2010-06-20T13:40:00.003-04:00

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I just got finished reading, one of the greatest books ever written. If you haven't read it I highly advise that you do.
Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky.

The story is of a young Russian student named Raskolnikov who commits a horrible crime. The book deals with the inner workings of his mind, the tremendous burden of guilt that slowly pecks away at his sanity, and ultimately the inner need to accept upon himself suffering in order to come to some kind of redemption.
It follows the lives of numerous characters but the other central character of the book is Sonia. Sonia is an 18 year old with a troubled past of her own that Raskolnikov feels an affinity to and who he finally admits the crime to. She doesn't judge him harshly but guides him through her inner goodness to do the right thing.
Even when he finally gets himself to go to the police station to admit the crime and hears the officer tell him that he's not a suspect and he leaves feeling giddy at his "getting off the hook", he catches a glimpse of her across the street with her questioning eyes and turns back around to give himself in.

He's sent to Siberia for 7 years of hard labor and she follows him there. Initially there is tension between them as he still is not 100% at peace with the situation.
Then comes the most beautiful passage of the book at the very end.

"One evening, when he was almost well again, Raskolnikov fell asleep. On waking up he chanced to go to the window, and at once saw Sonia in the distance at the hospital gate. She seemed to be waiting for someone. Something stabbed him to the heart at that minute. He shuddered and moved away from the window. Next day Sonia did not come, nor the day after; he noticed that he was expecting her uneasily. At last he was discharged. On reaching the prison he learnt from the convicts that Sofya Semyonovna was lying ill at home and was unable to go out.

He was very uneasy and sent to inquire after her; he soon learnt that her illness was not dangerous. Hearing that he was anxious about her, Sonia sent him a pencilled note, telling him that she was much better, that she had a slight cold and that she would soon, very soon come and see him at his work. His heart throbbed painfully as he read it.

Again it was a warm bright day. Early in the morning, at six o'clock, he went off to work on the river bank, where they used to pound alabaster and where there was a kiln for baking it in a shed. There were only three of them sent. One of the convicts went with the guard to the fortress to fetch a tool; the other began getting the wood ready and laying it in the kiln. Raskolnikov came out of the shed on to the river bank, sat down on a heap of logs by the shed and began gazing at the wide deserted river. From the high bank a broad landscape opened before him, the sound of singing floated faintly audible from the other bank. In the vast steppe, bathed in sunshine, he could just see, like black specks, the nomads' tents. There there was freedom, there other men were living, utterly unlike those here; there time itself seemed to stand still, as though the age of Abraham and his flocks had not passed. Raskolnikov sat gazing, his thoughts passed into day-dreams, into contemplation; he thought of nothing, but a vague restlessness excited and troubled him. Suddenly he found Sonia beside him; she had come up noiselessly and sat down at his side. It was still quite early; the morning chill was still keen. She wore her poor old burnous and the green shawl; her face still showed signs of illness, it was thinner and paler. She gave him a joyful smile of welcome, but held out her hand with her usual timidity. She was always timid of holding out her hand to him and sometimes did not offer it at all, as though afraid he would repel it. He always took her hand as though with repugnance, always seemed vexed to meet her and was sometimes obstinately silent throughout her visit. Sometimes she trembled before him and went away deeply grieved. But now their hands did not part. He stole a rapid glance at her and dropped his eyes on the ground without speaking. They were alone, no one had seen them. The guard had turned away for the time.

How it happened he did not know. But all at once something seemed to seize him and fling him at her feet. He wept and threw his arms round her knees. For the first instant she was terribly frightened and she turned pale. She jumped up and looked at him trembling. But at the same moment she understood, and a light of infinite happiness came into her eyes. She knew and had no doubt that he loved her beyond everything and that at last the moment had come. . . .

They wanted to speak, but could not; tears stood in their eyes. They were both pale and thin; but those sick pale faces were bright with the dawn of a new future, of a full resurrection into a new life. They were renewed by love; the heart of each held infinite sources of life for the heart of the other.

They resolved to wait and be patient. They had another seven years to wait, and what terrible suffering and what infinite happiness before them! But he had risen again and he knew it and felt it in all his being, while she--she only lived in his life.

On the evening of the same day, when the barracks were locked, Raskolnikov lay on his plank bed and thought of her. He had even fancied that day that all the convicts who had been his enemies looked at him differently; he had even entered into talk with them and they answered him in a friendly way. He remembered that now, and thought it was bound to be so. Wasn't everything now bound to be changed?

He thought of her. He remembered how continually he had tormented her and wounded her heart. He remembered her pale and thin little face. But these recollections scarcely troubled him now; he knew with what infinite love he would now repay all her sufferings. And what were all, /all/ the agonies of the past! Everything, even his crime, his sentence and imprisonment, seemed to him now in the first rush of feeling an external, strange fact with which he had no concern. But he could not think for long together of anything that evening, and he could not have analysed anything consciously; he was simply feeling. Life had stepped into the place of theory and something quite different would work itself out in his mind.

He did not open it now, but one thought passed through his mind: "Can her convictions not be mine now? Her feelings, her aspirations at least. . . ."

She too had been greatly agitated that day, and at night she was taken ill again. But she was so happy--and so unexpectedly happy--that she was almost frightened of her happiness. Seven years, /only/ seven years! At the beginning of their happiness at some moments they were both ready to look on those seven years as though they were seven days. He did not know that the new life would not be given him for nothing, that he would have to pay dearly for it, that it would cost him great striving, great suffering.

But that is the beginning of a new story--the story of the gradual renewal of a man, the story of his gradual regeneration, of his passing from one world into another, of his initiation into a new unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story, but our present story is ended."

And I sit here wondering at our view of suffering. How do we accept it?
We go running to pray and beseech the heavens the have it removed so we could go back to our pampered existence.

But perhaps we're letting go of the greatest gift we can have.
Perhaps we should embrace the suffering and use it as a vehicle for new beginnings.

To shudder and cry, to introspect and grow...and suffer for something greater, for a greater you.

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musings with clipboard in hand

2010-06-15T22:02:00.002-04:00

The other day I was sitting in a medical office holding a clipboard in my hand with a simple form to fill out.
It was a Medical History Form. The question on top read "Have you ever suffered from the following conditions?"
And thus began the list. And I began checking off...no...no....no...no..
Alcoholism
Anemia
Anesthesia Problems
Arthritis
Asthma
Birth Defect
Bleeding Problems
Cancer, Breast
Cancer, Colon
Cancer, Melanoma
Cancer, Prostate
Cancer, Lung
Cancer, Other
Depression
Diabetes 1
Diabetes 2
Eczema
Epilepsy
Heart Problems
Kidney Disease...
and on and on

and I'm checking..no...no....no...and a lump forms in my throat (a benign one).
I think about the unbelievably complex human body and the myriad of things that can go wrong. And at that moment I feel so grateful, but I also feel like a ticking time bomb...

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the realization

2010-06-09T17:08:00.005-04:00

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He sat there off to the side..
listening...just listening
.......for 3 straight days
listening to endless opinions
to men and their ideas
their arguments..and outlooks
to their impassioned debates
to utter stupidity
time and time
again...

when his eyes suddenly lit up
as this realization crept up
his psyche like an army
of marching ants..
...and although he'd suspected it
all along
he was not really sure
...until now
it excited him
to no end
...and terrified him
all at once

He looked around and felt sorry for them..
.........and for himself
as he was destined to share this earth
with.....them
for he was now thoroughly convinced
that he....and he alone
was the only man on earth
........with common sense

But he knew that only inward
only inward...
...will he find his peace
for one cannot preach common sense
to those that have no receptors

so alas
he stood up
threw out his empty styrofoam cup
and continued on his lonely way...

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Elections

2010-06-03T09:39:00.002-04:00

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So election season has come to Lakewood like a runaway train with no breaks heading into station.
It's nice to see that democracy has finally reared it's ugly head in this part of the nation as well.
Democracy never comes without a fight.

My take?
I like to see what kind of sound decisions I could expect from people I'm voting for.
And the fact that anyone would want to enter politics is beyond my comprehension, thereby showing their inability to make sound decisions.
So...I'm beginning to think anarchy is the answer.

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at night

2010-05-26T17:16:00.002-04:00

at night
the doors are
closed tight..

at night
..the strange moon
alone and bright

at night
voices fall silent
faces out of sight

fears emerge...
distractions submerge

just man and his soul

...the scars come out at night

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awake, alive

2010-05-16T22:59:00.001-04:00

eyes closing..
fighting
to stay awake..
to focus.
on another word
another line...
The coffee
with parve milk
on the table..
before him
reminds him
of long transatlantic
.........flights
of cramped
stale..humming
where one cannot go out
for some fresh air..
as he was about to..
then and there..
focus....focus..
he sneaks a peek
at the clock..
..another minute has passed
focus...FOCUS
his mind shouts
but his body
is in the clouds..
heavy..yet not falling
until he suddenly
looks up
confused
4:05
The shul is terribly bright
and so empty...
ugh...where has the night gone..
?
He washes his face...and
focuses..on the best 20 minutes
anyone has ever learned
as the sun slowly
illuminates
the eastern sky..
He's awake..
He's alive..

Happy Shavuos

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