Give and Take

We have been conditioned to thinking that the act of giving is an act of love and taking is to be avoided.

To give is noble, to take is selfish.

I think this is overly simplistic to a dangerous degree.

When children are born they need to be takers in order to survive and live.

They are showered and swathed in love. This is the healthiest kind of taking that there is. Children have no way or expectation of returning or showing appreciation, so they can take with pure love and without baggage. In a healthy environment, where the parents love their children the children absorb and take in a healthy manner.

Taking needs to be in proportion to what's deserved for there to be a peaceful sense of equilibrium. If a child is raised and continues to be spoiled and given to unconditionally even at a later age then it starts bordering on unhealthy taking. Unhealthy taking leads to resentment and the feeling that there is an unhealthy ulterior motive involved in the giving.

I believe that only after someone is the recipient of healthy taking and being loved can they turn around and give to others.

A heart full of love can overflow and love others.

One has never received in a healthy manner would have a very hard time giving in a healthy manner.

This is true in relationships as well. Sexual relations are called "chessed" in the Torah. It can be a tremendous act of giving, but if the giver and taker are not completely connected, if they are not giving and taking in heart, mind and soul then it's molestation or worse.

The act of giving can be an incredibly selfish and even evil act.

People give for all kinds of selfish reasons. People give to control others,

they give because it makes them feel better, even when it's not in the best interest of the recipient.

The first act of human giving in the Torah almost destroyed the world.

When Chava gave Adam to eat from the Eitz Hadass it was the ultimate act of selfishness. 

She had never been at the receiving end of an act of giving.

The Neshama of Adam is that of David and ultimately Moshiach.

The selfish act of Chavas giving and Adams taking was the polar opposite of Ruth's behavior. She learned to live off of others when she needed to. She was the recipient of her mother in law's grace and then caught the attention of Boaz with the manner in which she went out to collect wheat from the field with utmost modesty. Her act of taking led to a sudden abundance in Boaz's crops wherever she went. 

Only then was she able to give back and become the mother of redemption.

On a universal level this is also true.

The world is not yet ready to receive the bounty of redemption. When one receives what one is not ready to take, it is called the bread of shame. It's an uncomfortable taking which leads to resentment. This is precisely what happened after the giving of the Torah. The Jewish people were not ready for that kind of revelation as evidenced by the fact that they passed out after hearing one word from the mouth of Hashem. This eventually led to their rebelling against the one that gave them this sudden bounty while they were completely inadequate in their means of appreciating and taking.

Moshiach will come when there will be a perfect equilibrium. When the collective human experience will earn the ability to accept and receive Hashems reward and bounty in a healthy, deserving way.

On Shavuos we celebrate the revelation on Sinai as well as the life of King David.

The theme of these pivotal moments in the relationship between humankind and the divine is the same that drives interpersonal relationships successfully or otherwise.

I think that this could be one reason why we eat dairy products on Shavuos.

An animal has two ways of giving of its food. One way is through meat. The only way for this to work is if the animal dies. This represents the toxic way of giving, which results in the death of the giver, much like it did by Chava.

Then there's milk. The animal gives of itself and continues living. This represents a healthy giving, which doesn't result in ill effects to the giver.

May we all be worthy of taking graciously with eyes wide open.

.

1665 classifieds. Amsterdam.

LOST:

A Pearl Earring. 

Please contact J. Vermeer

I mourn

I spent my summer of 1997 at a retreat in a small town some 40 miles outside of Moscow. My wife and I were feeling adventurous and idealistic and so we packed a months worth of kosher food, diapers and our 8 month old firstborn Yehuda. The summer was a one of a kind spiritual experience interacting with and teaching a Russian Jewish population that had been cut off of their Jewish heritage for 75 years. It was also a learning experience for us. It took us westerners to live with bare necessities and to make do with baby baths in buckets and lots of kasha.  There were plenty of memorable moments like when Yehuda started showing symptoms of the flu and a well meaning local called a world war 2 era ambulance that drove us the few miles to the local clinic, its sirens wailing horribly off tune. It turns out that this clinic was the very same that my favorite writer Anton Chekhov used to practice medicine 100 earlier. The doctor told us to boil eggs and place them on his face.

At the end of the retreat we decided to travel to St Petersburg along with another couple and their baby. St Petersburg was beautiful in a jaded kind of way. Like a woman who is still beautiful in her 50s.  We spent a week traveling the Palaces and the playgrounds of the Czars and taking in quintissential St Petersburgh moments like attending a ballet. Our apartment was in a building that looked to be straight out of a Dostoyevsky novel. Looking back from 2017 I marvel at how isolated we were. There was almost no communication with the world at large. No way for anyone to get in touch with us and no way for us to know what was happening in the world as there was absolutely nothing available to read in English. 

Imagine my surprise when we came to Pulkovo Airport on the morning of September 4th 1997 and I happen to notice the headline of the International Herald Tribune "Prince Charles Returns Home for the Peoples Princess' Funeral".

I could feel the color drain from my face as I read that Princess Diana had been killed 3 days earlier in a car accident. 

It's difficult for me to mourn someone I did not know...but I can definitely mourn a world in which it was possible to go 3 days without knowing that Princess Diana was dead.

Vega

I lay back in the grass...

Oh that summer 

70 degree scent...

Gazing up at the night sky...

slowly disconnecting 

from our planet 

Levitating

Rising

past the fleeting fireflies...

...the tired night flights

heading to Europe 

Constellations...

mysteries

of the night 

My eyes are

invariably drawn

to Vega...

I'm not really sure why....

maybe it's the fact

that at just 25 light years away

it's one of our closest neighbors..

maybe i love the fact that 

the light that I now see

departed during the heady 

summer nights...of '92...

when I was all of 18

a carefree boy....

sitting at a fire

The light

of my unburdened smile....

just reaching vega 

......tonight

.

Is this....where I end?

My fingers 

they trace my skin...

the contours of

my matter....

the borderlands 

of life and air...

or bed....or

...you

clearly defined

Six feet...

one inch

I reach outward...

as far as I can

as if to ask...

is this it?

is this where I end?

and begin

does my consciousness...

storm....the wall

of skin..

are my thoughts

piled up...thousands high

at the ramparts 

yearning to break free?

is this where I end?

does my love

not 

touch you?

do my words 

not send a chill

down your spine?

.

.

the last leaf…
never seems to fall
always a few
….shivering holdouts
hanging on
all blustery winter

ever since o henry…
and his dumb idea
of hitching
a human life..
to a dying leaf…
no leaf wants to
take that chance…
would you
…...want that
on your
….conscience?



.

hazard lights

.


theres a soft spot in my heart

for that little used button

in every car..with the red
triangle…

that button

takes me back

to when I was a boy

and I’d play in my fathers car

the old brown impala

where you could roll down the window

with the power off

and the only thing that worked

with the engine off

was that hazard button

gosh…both lights would blink

and my imagination would

take me places…lord knows where

but my smile was ear to ear

as I opened and closed em

and turned the wheel 

a few centimeters

if I pulled 

…...hard enough

.

anima

.

like a wild horizon

serengeti…wild windswept

grass….

our souls…our egos

hiding….stalking

alert

…hearts pounding

fear….the bongo beat

of this land(e)scape

…..fear

rules the jungle

ears perked

….ready to run

head down…

ready to pounce

…ready

to sink teeth into 

your neck

…until you submit

completely

..to soothe my hunger

I don’t want to

…..sta

rve

(ever notice..how

animal parents abandon their young

as soon as they can walk on their own…

….they cannot bear the shame..)

my antelope ego…

..so afraid

running

…running

endless running

I live..

because

I’m afraid

…to die

and they sit there

in their plush chairs

…watching me on giant

Imax screens

and James Earl Jones

is…telling my story

…and it hurts

because I’m right there

in the audience

..and theres no where

to run

…and no one

to tear apart

in the sterile silence

and suddenly

the giant screen..rips open

and the serengeti comes aLIVE

…and the animals are running

everyones running

….for their friggin lives

and I’m in my element

in ways…

no one can understand

fear rules the anima

once again

war..love….life

money…luxury…fame

Its all

FEAR

under all the suits..and smiles

the beauty….and the lipstick

..the ties..and ropes

the buildings and spires

cocky in the sky

….

lies….the serengeti

of anima

you and me

stalking

each other

in the

…tall grass

waiting

.

life gets really tiring
..when you're waiting
chasing
..and waiting
relentless waiting
only to realize
..that what you're waiting for
already
....happened



.

highway love/hate

.


a quick 75 mile per hour glance

…tells a tale of faceless camaraderie

our children

..both honor students

we both cheer for the Devils

and love our Apple products

…and we both would like to

restore the shore

But…right now

there’s no one on earth

that I HATE as intensely as you

…how DARE you

CUT ME OFF

…you BASTARD!

.

words

.



words

little words

little messengers

of thoughts, emotions and feelings

so unreliable…

I pack my deepest…

..emotions 

the ones that fill my universe

with light and dark

…with pain

and euphoria

I pack them onto your

syllables and consonants

..your rounded and pointy backs

(how do you pack thoughts...
as large as the universe and as intense
as love..onto such meager little things?)

and deliver them to you

not knowing 

...how they’ll arrive

not knowing how 

..theyll be unpacked 

in yours

oh words

pathetic little messengers

of thought

..emotion and feeling

…you’re all I have

.

life?

life?

a flower plucked
...from it's source
so beautiful

..fragrant and
colorful
every second

another second closer
to wilting

and we
....ahhh
such a beautiful
Bouquet

born
...plucked from her/his
source

start the clock ticking

breathe

breathe

tick...tick...tick

so
...beautiful


Life
.

nouns are just fillers

.

running...

..dirty disheveled

avoiding the hot gazes

..of those on high horses

and others resting on their laurels

I turn around

outofbreath

..and yell at the top my lungs

God has no use

.....for nouns

.

chasing dreams

.

the evidence would suggest

I just know I'm awake..

..but I think somehow

that if I keep my eyes closed

...I can somehow go back

to the other side

...where they must be wondering

where I am

But the memory fades so fast

...30 seconds later

I try..and try..I can see a color

a balcony..

..I run down the narrow alleyway

chasing him..or her?

until the cobblestone itself

..starts to disappear

under my feet

..and then the color

and I open my eyes

.

pollination

.

the other day
...I took a nap in my hammock
really not sure how long

...but I woke up
coated in yellow dust
...like a mold..everyhwere
grass growing in my throat
....weeds in my eyelids
flowers on my legs and arms

oh how I pity mother earth
...with no fingers to
scratch herself with


.

Duped again..

.

i cant believe i fell for it

...again

the promises etched

..on the beautiful label
perfect font 
beautiful
...bottle

the promises 

...and hints
of raspberries
and cherry casket
...strawberry
bouquets

...oh and the medleys

they speak of
I longed to hear
..effervescent
with dark undertones
silky..full bodied
...and yet balanced

oh...
...how I always fall for that

and promises of journeys

..to tuscany
burgundy
....silly me

always the same

...pungent taste
puckered grimace
...not a raspberry in sight
nor medley heard

suitcases packed

...nowhere to go



.

my silver cloud

I took my silver cloud
......into the pawn shop (whistling)


Only to be told
....that it's just the lining

that's real


And that it has no
....value




and now the lining won't
...go back on


.

stop fighting!

.

children fight all the time...
...and somehow
we manage to pull
..them apart and call
a truce

but the hardest fights
...to separate
are the ones between
our children
...and the inner child
inside
...ourselves


.

Dubious Rights

.

2. The right to Bear Arms.


5. The right to remain silent


.....forever silent shhh.


.

I cry....

Sadness...just utter sadness is all I've felt since Friday. The tears seem ready 24/7..at the mere mention of the word Newtown.  Complete strangers to me. Chances are very good that not one of those killed would have ever crossed my path at any point of my life. And yet..the emotion is so strong.

I cry for the children..but also for the very concept of childhood...that has been so violated.

I cry for humanity. For the soul that inhabits my being...

People love throwing around the world Evil...

Evil is where the boundaries of our empathy end. 

The spot where we are no longer ready to accept human failing..there we create a black curtain, and anything beyond that spot we simply call evil and are satisfied.

Alcoholism and many other conditions used to be evil..but now we've invited them into our side of the curtain for the most part.

I cry for the inability to accept humanity completely..

I cry for innocence..which children represent and deep down we all wish we could find inside ourselves.

I cry for the fact that adults cannot elicit the same tears that children do.

For in adults we see our own failings and fears projected..

But most of all..I cry

for the last horrible moments these angels had to endure

...and for the many years that their parents and loved ones will yet grieve

my own redemption

According to tradition, the flames of the Menorah are a manifestation of the Ohr Haganuz, the Hidden Light, which is hidden away for the Redemption.

Chanukah is when we take the light of redemption and bring it into the here and now.

It's when the universal redemption becomes personal.

Instead of reacting to adversity with "oy we need moshiach.." we achieve a personal state of mind where the adversity is not overwhelming.

It's rising above..pettiness.

It's putting together the fragmentation that brings duality and unsettledness into our lives.

The Ohr Haganuz the Hidden Light is set aside for the days of universal redemption but on Chanukah we can access it easily, meditate in her ethereal glow  and with it experience personal redemption.

The Bais Yosef asked the famous question, why is Chanukah eight days if the miracle was only seven. 

And now I wonder perhaps it is only seven days, but after seven days of light and having achieved a measure of personal redemption how can one not wish the same on the rest of the world. And so we light one more night and we pronounce Zos Chanukah..This is Chanukah instinctively in our desire for the greater Geula.

Happy Chanukah

We've had it wrong...

I'm sorry..Socrates
..Plato and Kant
you've had it all wrong
Marx and Voltaire
...completely misunderstood
what humanity has been
...striving for
since the dawn of time
No..no class warfare..
..or utopian dreams
none of that..it seems
after one quick glance
..at youtubes top ten
of bitten fingers
...and korean horse dancing men
and you cannot help
but wonder
...if the worlds masses
all this time have been
yearning for the freedom
to make
.....silly videos...

that's all

I love you Mr. Csikszentmihalyi

.

I was recently reading a book and I came across this awesome quote from the famous psychologist (I'll assume he's famous if he's quoted in a book) Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I've always known it to be true but just seeing it in worlds filled me with such joy. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops and told a thousand times to our children.

In his book Flow he discusses the benefits of having a talent or skill set. People who have talents and skills are generally happier than those that don't. And then he adds..
"It is not the skills that we actually have that determine how we feel, but the ones we think we have."

Read it again and again until you internalize it completely..



What a freeing concept...


.

Thoughts on living in the 19th century

It's been an unforgettable few weeks in New Jersey and now that it seems to be behind us I'd like to share a few thoughts on my experience.

First of all I don't think I've ever heard such confusion as to what that thing called Sandy was.
Was it a hurricane? A superstorm ? A frankenstorm? A superfreakinfrankinstorm?

Then it plunged us all into the 19th century. No water, no heat and no power, which meant finding creative ways to get water, like placing buckets under the gutters and using lots of firewood to stay warm.
People back in those days lived on average 30 years less than we did. I get the feeling that they didn't mind at all.
Each day feels like a year when all the things we take for granted needed hard work to achieve.

But on the other hand they must have been happier. If your daily goal is to survive and you achieve that goal then every day is a success.
And the day that you fail, well..you won't be there to feel that disappointment.

Oh and one other thing.
Please don't tell me to stop complaining because other people lost their homes.
Next time you have a toothache I'll tell you to be quiet because there are people's out there with cancer.

Btw I'm not complaining. It was an experience.
.

Beauty and The Beast

you took away
...my heat
my water
and power
You took down
....my favorite trees

But when I go out
...and look at you
I can't stay mad
.......for long


.

washed away

must have been about
..8 weeks ago or so
we were walking along
..the pier
on that picture perfect
afternoon

when I saw my favorite
...roller coaster
the one
...right at the edge
hovering over the waves
...and so I convinced
my 12 year old daughter
...to join me

she was terrified as it climbed
...and climbed
(and so was I)
...and then when it made that turn
above the ocean
before plunging..down and up
..and by the 5th time
we rode that thing
..our hands were in the air
without a care
in the world


..and today I feel
as if
...the memory itself
has been so brutally
violated
...and washed away

Election 12

The Ba'alei Mussar say that a person should be concerned with his own spiritual and the next persons physical well being and not the other way around.

The Republican Party is way too concerned with their own physical well being and the next persons spirituality.


.

God is an Existentialist

.

People think that Sartre is incompatible with religion.

I disagree.

There's s Midrash in last weeks Parsha
V'Ha'aretz Haysa Sohu V'Vohu...eilu ma'aseihem shel resha'im
VaYomer Elokim VaYehi Ohr...eilu ma'aseihem shel tzadikim
Aval eini yodeia b'eizeh meihem chofetz...keivan dichsiv Va'Yar Elokim Es HaOr Ki Tov...bma'aseihem shel tzadikim ani chofetz.....

What is going on here?
Hashem says I see the deeds of the righteous and of the wicked and its not certain which I'd rather have. Until the Torah reveals that He'd rather the deeds of the righteous.

What I think is going on here is that the Midrash is revealing something incredible here.
Hashem is saying. There's nothing objectively right in the deeds of the righteous over the deeds of the wicked. There's nothing intrinsically pulling Him in one direction over the other...after all they're both a manifestation of his kingship (rewarding righteous and punishing wicked).
It's Hashems SUBJECTIVE choice that makes him favor the righteous. Because he wants to.

It's the same with us. We're so used to thinking that our tasks are laid out for us objectively.
We underestimate the power of our choices and we take away our autonomy by viewing the world that way.
We must put ourselves first and give everything in the world subjective value. This means even putting ourselves before God in Choosing to believe in Him. We believe in Hashems because we subjectively want to.
This gives us tremendous power and adds so much more value to our choices.

.

there's this cheese

.


there's this cheese
...it always catches my attention
in the supermarket

..it costs $5.99

..and every time I pass
the brightly lit refrigerated
....row of cheeses
I think to myself
...one day when I'm a
millionaire

I'm going to buy
.....that cheese


.

In the Shadow of Faith

.

We find the Jewish year anchored by two long holidays, Pesach and Sukkos.

The main Mitzvah of Pesach is eating matzah which is called Michla D'heimnusa, the bread of faith while the prime Mitzvah of Sukkos is sitting in the Sukkah which is called Tzila D'heimnusa, in the shadow of faith.

We have two objects representing faith, one is ingested inside us while the other surrounds and enfolds us. Many have already questioned why this is so, but based on my last post perhaps it can be understood as follows.

On Pesach the Jews placed great faith in Hashem by following Him out of Egypt into an intimidating barren unknown desert. All they had was some crustly hastily baked Matzah. Hashem still recalls those days fondly "Ko Amar Hashem..Zacharti Lach Chessed Nearayich..Lechtech Acharei Bamidbar...etc".

So we internalize our faith in Hashem every year by taking the Matzah inside ourselves.

On Sukkos which is right after Yom Kippur, Hashem places his faith in US and in our resolutions.  He grants us a good year because he believes in us.

So when we enter the Sukkah, the Shadow of Faith, Hashem is ingesting US. It's not our faith that we're talking about but Hashems. He internalizes his faith is us by taking us inside Himself.

.

Double Faith

We stand before the king with our requests and needs.
Please give us health...
And sustenance.
And life...
Our chances our pretty good.


But then we need to ruin it by saying...
Oh god not just for us but for my entire village...nah for the entire nation of Israel.
What kind of idiot does that?
What are the chances of that happening?
When was the last time a full year when by and EVERYONE had life, health and sustenance?
And yet we don't look at that...we have faith that this might just be that year...



God looks down at us asking for forgiveness.
He must wonder.
Gee this sounds familiar.
Didn't you promise me the same things last year?
When was the last time a year went by without you dirtying yourself with the same sins.
And yet He doesn't look at that.
V'chol Ma'aminim SheHu Eil Emunah. God has faith...that perhaps this might just be the year.



.

The terror of Din

The reason why we are so calm and collected on the Day of Judgement is because as opposed to regular court cases where the judgement is in the hands of a judge or jury on Rosh Hashana we are in our own hands. We are defendant but we are also prosecutor and essentially we are judge and jury as well. It's entirely in our hands.
So why is it do terrifying?
That's precisely what makes it so terrifying.
Change is such a small thing but you have to REALLY want it.

The fact that we might miss out on this little thing called change and the underlying premise that we don't really want it enough.....that's the terror of these days.