Friday, January 30, 2009

mirror mirror


mirror mirror in my hand..
..........whose tefillin is
the straightest the land



Monday, January 26, 2009

midlife junction... they are...
are useful metphors
as you’ve seen no doubt..
Metaphors for life...and all that
that journey..that journey..
that unending mysterious journey
And so I found myself..
On just such a metaphor
comfortable as I could afford
Plush content..first class..
Waiting for the words at last..
The the wind...
In my hair..
When suddenly I discern..
just around the turn..
A slowly approaching train..
I note with disdain..
How did it get here..?
I wonder as aloud..
As is allowed
In a poem..
But the humor falls flat.
The closer it gets..
Decrepid..and unnerving..
I peer through my scope..
And turn white as a ghost..
.........disturbing vision
A white haired..version..
Of me..
ME peering back..
Back..with a sad longing...
choking... lungs
As the trains..
and prepare
to meet switch
at...Midlife Junction..



Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Beast

It was 9:10 when I made my way to my seat at my table next to the Bimah. I was 10 minutes late and still one of the first to show up. The weather was very cold and I suppose the lure of another few minutes in bed proved too tempting to many. I handed a siddur to my son Yosef who exclaimed in a voice a few decibels too loud for the short distance between us “Ta..where is everyone?”. I shushed him “shh not so loud, they’ll be here soon.” I sat down as he skipped out the door into the hall, door slamming behind him. The sound of the door opening and closing followed in rapid succession as the shul quickly filled up. I was dreading having brought Yosef with me and offered a silent prayer that he shold behave. He was a challenging child, to say the least. Now that he was turning nine I decided it’s about time he started coming to shul more. A decision I was now regretting as I caught a glance of him through the thin glass of the door playing around with coffee urn and making old Mr Steiner nervous. I put on my Tallis, wrapped it around my head and body, hidden away for a few short seconds behind the pure white fabric. After securing it over my shoulders I opened my siddur and started to daven. Yosef came bounding in with fresh coffee stains on his shirt and sat down next to me. He opened his Siddur and started spacing out.
By now the shul was full and the Chazzen was approaching Shacharis. Yosef snuck out of his seat and started walking up and down the aisles. I felt my heart quicken a bit and tried my hardest to concentrate on the Shema.
During Shemona Esrei when absolute silence filled the cavernous hall it suddenly started to happen.
There was Yosef standing next to the Aron Kodesh and he was growing slowly but steadily. I stood there imobile and horrified as he started turning into this huge....beast. I was desperately trying to get his attention without stepping out of Shemona Esrei. He was now making ghastly sounds and he was climbing onto the Aron Kodesh. I was absolutely mortified. I hastily ended davening and rushed forward but he was out the side door before I could reach him. I looked all over for him outside without luck. I quietly slinked back into shul noticing a smorgasbord of glances, ranging from angry to empathetic. I sat through Krias HaTorah wondering when the beast will be back. Just when the Rabbi started his bracha at the Torah the door slammed open and there he stood, at the doorway 8 feet tall and absolutely beastly. He lifted a younger boy up and flung him with all his might before heading for the candy man, The candy man conceded the bag of lollypops to him and shot me a furious glance. Half of Mussaf was spent chasing the beast around as discreetly as I could until finally the last amen was heard and mercifully kiddush was served, at which point the beast started to shrink and once again became my Yosef. I was drained from all the stress and just wanted to go home and rest.
I got our coats and was joined at the door by my neighbors Moshe G with his 9 year old Yanky in tow and the newlywed from down the block, forgive me for not remembering his name.
We walked in awkward silence for a minute before I stammered...
“Did you...see..?”
Moshe glanced at me over his upturned collar and muttered..
“you mean...the...the beast..?”
“yes..” I whispered..”I’m so sorry..”
“oh don’t be’s my fault...I forgot to give him his ritalin this morning” Moshe replied
“what..?” I asked...”what are you talking about..?”
“well he gets like that when he’s not on meds..” Moshe said matter of factly..
“wait a second..I’m talking about my Yosef” I said a little louder..
“Your Yosef??....He’s adorable..” He stopped and sighed....“my Yanky..” as his voice trailed off...
At which point the newlywed exhaled and said, “you’re both insane”


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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Magnificent Day

What a beautiful..
...hopeful day..
full of pageantry..
great speeches..
...and unity

but seriously
someone ought to send..
that group of grumpy..angry white men..
on a 2 week trip to Hawaii..
to just chill...
all of em..
from Limbaugh to Levin..Savage...
all of em...


Good Luck Obama!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Breaking News:

This morning at 9:00am President Bush announced the onset of a full scale invasion of Canada after a flock of Canadian geese brought down an American plane in New York.
This stunning development comes just one week before Bush vacates the White House. In his statement Bush said "We've been tolerating low level terrorism from these geese for years now, from goose droppings to grass decimation, but we simply cannot stay silent in the face of such a brazen well coordinated attack." Bush also announced tougher surveillance of Canadian geese communities in the United States and said that ducks will also be targeted lest people think that we're profiling.
It is hoped that the operation will be done by the time the new Obama administration takes power next week. In the meantime Vice President Cheney has secretly instructed Halliburton to prepare to assume control of vast gas and mineral fields in Northern Canada.
American troops could be seen pouring across the border in Minnesota, North Dakota, Vermont, New York and Washington.
Overnight hundreds of American fighter jets bombarded key geese breeding zones. A school full of children was allegedly flattened after 3 geese could clearly be seen hiding behind the building.

President Elect Obama, when asked about this incursion stated that America has only one president at a time and he had no comment.

In the meantime, America woke up to new hero in Captain Chesley Sullenberg who managed to bring the plane down safely into the Hudson River. Sullenberger aside for being a pilot for US Airways, also has an Airline Safety Consulting Firm. Investigators are looking into allegations that last week during one of his classes entitled Keeping Your Cool in a Panic Situation he winked and told the class to "stay tuned for a live demonstration".

The miraculous rescue of everyone on board had the National Union of Comedians breathing a sigh of relief, noting that "we could start making jokes right away" instead of waiting the traditional month or so after a tragedy.


Thursday, January 15, 2009


I finally got around to organizing my favorite posts and posting links to them.

On the right side of the page you'll see posts organized by The Stories, The Poems (with sub categories), The Essays and The Humor.

I'd love to hear from all of you...which are your favorites...?


Sunday, January 11, 2009

Winter Sale


For Sale:

Shiny Blue Sled...
...2 Years old
never used


Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Please FWD:

I survived


Tuesday, January 06, 2009

the chains of gaza

stay out of gaza..
...the next day
please fwd..
dont break the chain..
the insane chain...
heavy shackles
that encircles...
strangles everyone..
gun or no gun...
then screaming..reliant
on the UN..or allah..
or whoever happens to be
holding a camera..
while europa..
still cant believe..
that the Jews
have an army..
and the Jews..
still can't believe
that europa..
still can't believe...
and so the chains..
they wrap..and twist..into
an impossible reality..
may God help us all..


Friday, January 02, 2009

Greatest Moment of My Life

From my old blog

This month marks the anniversary of the greatest moment of my life..

My oldest child was born.

Only those with children can fully understand what I’m saying. And those who haven’t been blessed yet I pray with all my heart that you should experience this soon (if you want it..).

As the day progressed and the labor intensified I as the husband felt utterly hopeless and beside myself watching my wife writhing in pain.
Everything so surreal. Tired beyond belief. Nurses and Doctors rushing to and fro. Anxious husbands pacing the halls, another cup of coffee, another shrieking mother to be. The smell of alcohol and stale coffee..

Then suddenly..the nurse announces matter of factly in hebrew..ok she’s ready to push...
The doctor comes in...lights go on...everyones donning scrubs..
I back away..not sure I’m wanted..
Everyones goading her to puuuush...just a little more...She’s straining..I swear she’s going to pop a her head...
And then stop..take a deep breath..
By now she’s beside herself...I’m a nervous wreck...
Oooooh we can see the head....he has black hair..Eizeh Motek...
Ok...I’m going to need you to push really hard now...take a deep breathe..
Od me’at..just a little more..

And then..

The moment...


A baby..

A boy

A real live flesh and small..crying...oh my goodness..that was INSIDE her?

Tears..just unimaginable joy...
My baby...

Less than 2 years removed from being a bochur..I’m suddenly holding my child.
It was an overwhelming moment.

Later that night I hopped into a cab. Sitting by the window watching the world go by as if nothing just happened. As if this most incredible miracle never occurred.
Hello! I had a baby! My wife just had a live human being crawl out of her!
It’s too much.
As I dozed off a feeling washed over me.
I’ll never forget that’s a feeling I’d never experienced not before and not since.
A feeling of bliss..of accomplishment in a very basic, primal way. I have produced an offspring. I remember thinking..ok God can take me now, I’ve brought another generation down to this world. And I drifted off into a deep sleep...

Only to be awakened by my cabbie gently shaking me.
Slicha Adoni....Sanhedriya HaMurchevet?..
Shloshim Shekel B'vakasha.
Mazal Tov