I was reading through the obituaries one rainy afternoon recently and something occurred to me. It’s something I’ve thought about before but for some reason seemed to really hit home this time.
The obituaries are amazing narratives, they’re so inspiring, they leave me wondering, why have I never heard of this wonderful person before? Such acts of selflessness and kindness, such dilligent learning and such devoted parenting. And then it inevitably strikes me as being a bit suspect. How can it be that all the people alive are such imbeciles and all those that have past, such saints?
And if its true that people really are so wonderful if we want to see them in that light, why is it so hard to see them that way when they’re still alive?
Could you imagine how repulsive a realistic obituary would look to us? If we would mention all the deceaseds flaws and quirks, it would be an outrage.
On the other hand when someone only sees good in someone still alive, it’s greeted at best with weary cynicism.
And most importantly who is the real person?
Can there be parallel realities?
The answer is yes.
As a matter of fact it’s the existence of parallel realities that allows this paradox to occur in the first place.
The more I think about it, the more I see how layered people are.
Ona basic level we are all mammals and have animalistic needs.
On top of this is a layer of reason which is unique to humans.
On top of these we can have many layers of spirituality but we can never eradicate the layers underneath.
Even Yitzchak Avinu when he wanted to give over the Brachos to his son, wanted to do so with his every fiber of his being. He asked Yakov to come close so that he can inhale the scent of the meat and eat so that his entire being from top to bottom be bound up in his relaying the Bracha.
So the lowest layer in us. The animal in us sees other people as rivals in the world and revels in schadenfreude, in others downfalls. Hence the lure of gossip and slander. Even if there’s no tangible object of the rivalry, there’s always this abstract idea of feeling a bit more superior when someone is perceived as inferior.
Our spiritual layers need to be very strong and persistent to overcome these basic primal urges.
Once a person is dead then he/she ceases to be a rival and that desire to see the bad dissipates and we can freely allow ourselved to read, hear and believe pure good in that person and even be inspired by it.
So how can one overcome the instinct to see someone elses downfall?
How can we ignore the schadnefreude lurking inside?
I think the way to achieve this is by turning life into a team sport.
The truth is in many ways it is already. For instance, one does not feel schandenfreude toward ones children, because they’re not rivals..they’re on our team.
We see this with sports fans, or when we root for an underdog. Any time we live vicariously through someone else or relate to someone else and pull for them, they become part of our team.
The “I” expands. The “I” can keep expanding once we internalize this idea that we’re all on one team with one ultimate goal.
Then we can start writing wonderful articles about people that are still alive and be inspired by them instead of waiting until it’s in obituary form.
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