luck of the draw..

After hours of crunching numbers I've come to the conclusion that it's worth a $2 investment for the chance at winning $540 million.
$360,000,000 didn't quite do it for me.
Apparently millions of other people have been crunching the number as I have..

Amazingly If one were to buy up every single number combination possible, thus guaranteeing a win, it would cost $176 million which would amount to a profit of $117,000,000 after taxes.
Pssst...anyone have $176 million to lend?
I promise to pay you back next week.

Oh wait a minute..that's only if I'm the sole winner.

Oh..and even if it took 5 seconds to fill out each card..it would take 28 years to fill out all the cards.

But maybe a yeshiva with hundreds of volunteers and a large stash of funds could take advantage?

One other thing...according to the National Lottery Commission you'd use up the national supply of lottery paper and printing ink before you could print up all your tickets..and I aint investing $176,000,000 unless I know every SINGLE last number combo is covered.
Because after all..the same cosmic forces that might make someone a millionaire with a single number combination could make me a pauper...with that very same combination..if it's the one ticket I didn't buy...


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What am I?

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Very few tragedies could compare to a woman losing her husband and all her 5 children all at once. Usually one goes to shiva house and finds six people sitting shiva for one person, not one person sitting shiva for six.

These last few days I find my mind turning to Avivit Shaer every once in awhile on its own accord.
It just cannot to break away from this tragic story because my mind needs to address so many swirling existential questions in this horrific maelstrom.

What are we?
What about our reality can we trust?
How do I define myself?
Am I a father? A husband?
Who was Avivit yesterday?
Who is she today?
One minute follows the previous which follows the one before that and they turn into clumps of hours and mounds of days.
They then become mountains of expectations. I expect to be what I was before, because....I'm not sure why..but probably because it's what I expected yesterday and it happened.
Expectations in turn..morph into a sense of entitlement...because after all I'm entitled to all I have this minute..because after all..I expected it a minute ago and it happened.
The mountains of expectations become an alternate reality.
I expect those that love me will continue to love me because they loved me yesterday..and then a slight fork in the road develops..one road is the road of reality and the other, the road of expectations.
I expect that there will be enough money to sustain me because there was enough yesterday and because my ego won't allow me to see the growing debt..and once again there's a fork in the road..
I expect that I won't have pain today because I did not have pain yesterday..and so expectation leads to entitlement which leads to anger when there is pain..

This is such flimsy reasoning and yet it's how we function.

So..what am I?

I know that I cannot trust my expectations. The illusion might create some sense of stability but they also rob me of true happiness. They rob me of that sense of intense gratitude that I should be feeling every waking minute because there's no gratitude in getting what you're entitled to be getting.

If I cannot trust expectations then what then can I trust?
I can only trust reality.
I can trust that what's happening to me at that second is really happening to me..devoid of all expectation.
But what is reality?
Reality is this moment...empty of ego, entitlement and expectation.
Reality is allowing yourself to jump off the top of the staircase..because the next moment is waiting to catch you..
Reality is lonely.
Reality is exhilarating.

What am I?
I'm not a "what"
Tables and chairs are "whats".
I cannot be defined and quantified.
I weep at the death of my expectations.... It's ok..
I leap off the edge of the mountain...into reality..
Into God
Because when I eliminate my ego and sense of entitlement that comes along with it..all that's left..
Is God



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impossible spring

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as I lay here in bed
warm breeze at my head
...birds serenade
winter evaporates
cold death reversed
the world..no longer cursed

I imagine that first year
when seasons appeared
when spring then summer was the norm
the panic that followed..when autumn
with a chill
went on to kill
green to brown
birds..no longer around
flowers and fruits
lying limp on their roots
the utter despair
life itself..disappears
month after cold month
(sorry there's no rhyme for month)
waiting for the end
just around the bend..
lying on a cold hard bed
suddenly, warm breeze at my head
...birds serenade
winter just evaporates
cold death reversed
the world no longer cursed

It's impossible...
and yet

..it's spring



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The Longest Courtship

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I always assumed it was mine.
It just belonged to me like her white desk by the window.
The one with all her little things in little holders..
But as I walk beside her..
Her long brown hair flowing in the breeze.
I long to see beyond the smile..and beyond the frown..
The changing persona..and the distance between us..
If it takes a hundred years to figure out..
And then another thousand to glue back together...
I'll do it with her.
Just as I helped string her bracelet..last week.

I know now...that the love at first sight..of the first 11 years..
Could hardly be called love anymore..
That this courtship...might just be the longest, most arduous journey I've ever taken.
That..her soft cheek..might never feel my lips again..
She hands me the balloon of expectations....and I release it into the clear blue sky..
To her delightful laughter..
And together we watch it ride a breeze..
Now it's all so new..this young woman whose love I want so desperately..
And me..whose love I know she needs so desperately..
So..I'll tell it to her again and again...

Those things we assume are ours need to be earned each day anew..
And of those precious things...there's none more precious..
..than a daughters....love




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reality is dead..long live reality

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I've come to believe that there is no such thing as objective reality.

What we call reality is an overlapping of 7 billion subjective realities.
7 billion realities and universes somehow sharing the same space.


Ironically, the only objective reality there might be is God, and yet God himself chooses to judge according to and within the confines of every individual subjective reality.
In the meantime we little humans have the audacity to make ourselves Godlike and judge others as if there were an objective reality that we had access to.

If we could somehow squeeze ourselves into another's subjective reality then one can find compassion for even the vilest of people.
That's when we're truly Godlike.


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spring and fall

.

but what if...
...someone is
constantly springing
...backward and
falling
...forward?


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the mask

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I open the black
...box..and there
against the black
...velvet..is
a white mask
..cold and white
frozen
...crafted smile
I hold it up
......sigh
and thank it
for always
....being there
for me
..when my other
face..was inaccessible
I feel the porcelain
...familiar
to my touch
..a tear quietly
escapes..unknowingly
and falls onto
it's....smooth
...surface
I whisper
"I don't need you
...anymore"
and kiss its
frozen smile
...before
letting it drop
...to a thousand
pieces



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Lakewood Eugenics 2012

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The fog was as thick as the mystery surrounding the top secret meeting about to take place in the non-descript bi-level house off the lake. Dark cars were emerging from the white fog one by one and dropping off their cargo at the front door.
The Rabbonim, Roshei Yeshiva, Menhalim and Menahalos took off their coats and entered the dining room. They were all gathered for the monthly meeting of Lakewood eugenics and bio-engineering.
Eugenics was a pseudo science championed by many scientists at the turn of the 20th century. It sought to engineer the creation of an Ubermensch or Super Person by selectively breeding smart and talented men and women. This could be achieved voluntarily or through euthenasia programs like those utilized by the Nazis in their desire to create the perfect German youth.
The men and women in the room were a select group of High School directors and principals for boys and girls. Their goal was to effect eugenics by means of segregation. They hoped that by only choosing the Aleph Aleph students to their schools they would over time force those students who weren't the smartest and most elite to either leave town, leave the fold altogether or at the very least to associate with lower elements of society. Then the best of the boys would marry the best of the girls. This way they hoped to create the "perfect" student within 2 generations.

Rabbi Genasky of Yeshiva Mekor Habrocha was the first to speak..
"Rabboisai, imagine a world where we won't have to worry about any challenges", he said passionately," no more explaining the Gemora more than 2 or 3 times..or having give any more of our precious time than is necessary".
Rabbi Steinberg of Mishkan Torah was the next to speak.
He looked back at his own time in Yeshiva and wished things were different.
"I remember we had a lot of boys in class that were mitziyanim but there were also some weaker boys. Oy they used to drey us a kop to help them understand the Shiur. I don't want my Talmidim to have to go through that. I want them to be lamdonim..to be able to plug over my shiurim with all their focus."

They all nodded in agreement and smiled to themselves.

As they left into the silent night they all took with them the secret dream that was finally coming to fruition. The dream that was soon to be a reality, and they were the chosen leaders that would breed and groom this new super race into a glorious future for Lakewood.



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